“It's diwali. So i came home from hostel for same reason. But my father, he seems to ignore me, or silently hate. He has does this many times before too. Not a big deal. And me and my father do have a kind of hate and hate relationship from starting. But yeah I did loved him when I was a child. Right now I don't. I'm a 1st year mbbs student. It's my first time living kind of far from my home. And even while preparing for neet i didn't go anywhere. I was trapped here, I was very badly tortured by my father during my gap year. It was very bad. So yeah in short. My relationship with father is not so good.
So the thing is I'm kind of hurt, due this behaviour. Maybe I did crave some love from my family. After living far away from home. 😭. Now this was my first thought. My second thought is really mocking me at this point. And it is- "what did I really expect?" Seriously love or him missing me? Being happy as I came back home? Huh that's such childish thought. How can I even think about it?
But I'm really sad due to his behaviour, I want to escape and run to my hostel again. At least the new people there did not make me feel like this. I'm just in trance, thinking nothing. But I'm not feeling like myself. I should never expect right? Actually I didn't expect purposely i thought it's just a basic necessity.
And now the reason for this behaviour of his- I think is money. Usually he nevers cries this much for money. But right now he's doing something or buying something which needs very much money in comparison to the money he earns. But as I'm in a private medical college he has already paid almost 6 lakh in total for hostel, mess and tuition fees will be covered by govt. So maybe as I'm back he is reminded of the money he paid for me. And gets angry. But yeah one more new info. My dad don't really love me as daughter. Sometimes he does get emotional but love? That's a big no.
So what to do about my grief?!!! I can't to anybody. My brother is busy with his own. And that too he's younger than me. My mother she doesn't have time. My best friend she's happy in this festive season after her stresss studies of ca intermediate. I don't want to bother her. And now I have nobody to talk to? I want someone to love me..... But there's no one sadly.. I can love myself... But I'm not okay right now ... I'm just melancholic about this whole situation.”