Someone once asked...
Someone answered with kindness...
Wanting to become a better person is an amazing trait, and something we should all strive for each day. The fact that this capacity already exists within you is an amazing thing. I'm very sorry to hear about your mother. I'm sure she loved you deeply and dearly. It sounds cliche,, but truly, becoming a more joyful person begins with you. You must learn to zoom out of yourself, in all moments and FIND the joy in your life. It exists. It's there, I promise. When you tell your brain "not" to do something, that will never work. Skiing explains this better; people refrain from telling themselves "don't look at the trees", because all your brain fixates upon, are the trees. Instead, they keep telling themselves, "follow the snow, follow the snow, keep following the snow". In this way, you should "follow the joy". Crying is good. Crying is release. Feel your emotions. It's how you know you're alive. Healing your trauma(s) is a process, and a painful one at that. I am sorry to say, but it is true. Sitting with yourself, being truly honest with yourself, all of the parts you hide from the world, is a painfully beautiful process. And a necessary one for healing. You don't have to. Most adults don't. They carry the wrongs that were done to them as children, and end up perpetuating them to those around them. You can live your life like this. It is not fun. Without excusing your father's actions, try to think of him as one of these children. Then you can forgive. Not excuse, but explain. Think of what he must have endured as a child/young adult to have shaped him into the flawed man he is. Understanding breeds compassion. Gratitude is key to everything. No job, no person, no amount of money will fill these unhealed parts, unless you practice gratitude. Be grateful for YOU, I am grateful to be able to talk (type) to you. Be grateful your lungs work, you can move your body. What a blessing that simple idea is. To have food in your stomach. To have a bed the lie down in. There is always something to be grateful for. ALWAYS. To have had a lovely mother, one worth remembering, gratitude can be practiced from this angle. To be grateful that you can know the love you have for her, and it is proved by your tears. Be bored. Allow your mind to wander. Write a poem. A bad poem. Rip it up or burn it afterwards. Either way, you will have created something. Draw a doodle of a lamp. Create! Create! Create! I believe in you. Life has just begun. It will all work out, as long as you hold yourself in gratitude. It is not always easy, but you have to choose your hard. Thank you for sharing. Sending you light & love. xoxoxo
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