So I've loved this boy since I was 12 and I thought maybe he felt the same but I didn't confess for a long time. And we weren't even in touch. When I finally confessed at 15 initially he said it was just attraction and nothing else. Then after some time he told me he had always loved me as well and I was the only girl he loved. I thought he liked someone else but I still got together with him. I always felt like he didn't love me the way I did. Like 2 years later. We made a blend on Instagram and it showed me some reels on one sided love and all. I asked him and he panicked but that confirmed my doubts that he actually likes someone else. Some time later I asked him cuz I was really depressed about it. He said he doesn't like anyone else and just had one female friend. And he blocked me saying I upset him. Later cam in with an AI apology. Anyways I forgave him. I was sick for a whole month cuz I thought he didn't love me. After some time he tells me he actually was in a relationship with someone before me but it was nothing serious. Later on he was treating me badly and we had a fight, I was actually stressed over that gurl thingy. So I brought it up and he was denying denying denying but ended up saying he loves her a lot and that's why gus mood is fucked up. I wanted to leave but he insisted not to leave him so I stayed. I even forgave this because I wanted to stay with him and love him. And also whenever I would bring it up that it's actually weighing on my mind. He would act like he never said it. And tell me I'm crazy and toxic for asking. He would even leave me saying you're never going to forget this. Later on I see his likes on reels regarding this ex of his. Yearning for her and all. When I confront him, he acts like he didn't like it. Gaslighting yk.... So then he kept saying that I have changed. And kept asking me if I'm still going to marry him in the future. And I was always committed to him but after feeling like he loves someone else for a long time I just couldn't say act happy over this. I told him I'm not sure anymore. And that I feel bad that he has feelings for someone else. He insisted it was years ago and it's his past. But first of all it was supposed to be just us he said he only ever loved me. And also I'm not making a fuss over his past. He still had feelings. Obviously. That's why he panicks hearing about her and all. He even said that he loves her. So I told him I'm not sure. He told me not to use him and to leave him instead if I'm so insecure. I didn't want to leave him but he wouldn't talk to me for days and I couldn't fix it because if I try hell say I'm using or manipulating him. And he kept telling me that I'm using him and "enjoying" all this. I was self harming in all this stress and I even told him that. I shouldn't have but idk I just wanted him to know that I'm hurting too and I'm trying to make things go back to normal. But he still kept insisting that I'm using him and having fun. He would tell me to go away and not talk to him cuz he doesn't want to be used. But he would come back and things would be better then the same loop repeated. One day I tried to talk to him cuz I just wanted to know how his day was and if he was doing well but he just told me to stay away till I decide if I'll marry him in the future. Or otherwise I should keep my distance. Then I had to make a decision cuz he didn't talk to me for days. I told him we're breaking up but I just wanted him to comfort me and stop me from going. Idk I just get very very anxious when he doesn't talk to me and he knows that. But what else was I supposed to do. If I try to talk to him he'll say I'm using him.... So when I texted him. He didn't even reply. Just left me on liked. So I thought that was really it. I was crying my eyes out for days. I just wanted him to come and comfort me. But about 10 days later he texts me saying he can't lose me now. And I was kinda shocked. Cuz if I was such a bitch he didn't want to talk to me then why such desperation to get back together? He kept texting me for days to come back. But I didn't. I explained to him how badly I was hurt and how each and every time he broke my heart. And how how bad the thought of him loving someone else still hurts. And he kept telling me I'm faking it and trying to act innocent. I explained to him how I can't trust that he still doesn't have feelings because just a few months ago he was liking all those yearning posts. And he told me a diff story every time. We kept fighting and then I decided I won't go back. And I ended it. But now I feel guilty. Cuz I really loved him and I didn't want to leave him alone like this. And he keeps reposting such stuff about using his past against him. But really I wasn't using his past. It upsets me that he lives someone else. All I asked was for some time so I can process my feelings and we can rebuild the relationship with trust. But he kept blaming me that I'm fake and I'm using him. What else was I supposed to do? I also told him that I don't feel the same anymore which was supposed to mean that I don't feel the same happiness and excitement I just feel numb and anxious. And he took it as I don't have feelings for him anymore. I'm 18 now. And I've never loved anyone else. 6 years okay. He says I'm a liar cuz I said I don't have the same feelings anymore. He says I don't want to forget about it on purpose. And makes weird excuses. When I told him it's not the past its that he still has feelings he literally said I have love for my parents too you want me to remove that as well? Make that make sense.... Really he just describes the situation like he loves me a lot and wants me to come back but I don't love him as much. And I just keep feeling guilty and all. I love him a lot. It breaks my heart thinking he's hurting rn because of me but what am I supposed to do just keep breaking my own heart and act like I'm a picture perfect girl friend who doesn't have feelings. Basically a robot. Was I that bad of a person for wanting some time to rebuild the trust and feel happy. I kept feeling like I'm explaining myself but it doesn't work. Did I do the wrong thing? Cuz he was nice to me now. He didn't treat me badly like before. But he wouldn't talk to me cuz technically I was the bad person now. I don't know I just keep overthinking and wanting to go back.

Question

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Ok so first off you have done NOTHING wrong, and I know it might hurt to hear this, and you might even want to defend him, but HE'S using you, not the other way around. He thinks he can push you around and that you'll just come running back to him, even though he's being a toxic bitch to you. Now he's scared that he's actually losing you and losing his power over you, and honestly, fuck him. Like it's going to hurt losing someone who you love, but you need to prioritize yourself girl. Don't go back to someone who treats you like shit. He thinks he can get away with it and he needs to take a reality check. And yea, getting over him is going to be hard, a small part of you will probably always love him, and it might take years even until you feel ready to move on, but it's what you need to do to be healthy yourself. You deserve to prioritize you and be happy. :)