No matter how much i try, no matter how much efforts i put into something it's never enough. I am never enough. People i call my home don't even look out for me when i disappear. I always put my 100% in relations, whether it is family matters, friendships, love life or anything. I hate being the eldest daughter. I have so much guilt for being born as a girl. No matter how much i try to be kind, i always ended up treating so badly. It takes so much courage to ask a stranger something, or even a teacher, but their rude behaviours breaks my confidence so badly. It seems a small thing but small makes up big. at the end of the day, every small inconvenience sums up and shatters me to the core. Daily arguments with my parents, bruh why can't you let me live my life. I envy those who have supportive parents. Parents who would do anything for their child. My parents are a sensitive topic for me. Let's talk about friendships. WHYYYYY??? WHY AM I SOOO UNLUCKY IN FRIENDSHIPSS??? For once in my life i anna have a friend who'd feel like home. I wanna be their bestfriend tooo. but i am aways a backup friend. All the friends i had, they still matter to me although they don't care, they cut up all ties. I am still at the restaurant. Am i that easy to forget? why? How come i am so replaceable. I still couldn't replace people who were once a part of my life. And just like that they moved on? Ik communication is the key, but it doesn't always work. I have tried to fix bonds by communicating sooo many times but i always end up being the bad person. I always wonder if they miss me the way i miss them??The bond made me question if I ever mattered to them. Because I wonder if they miss me the way I miss them. If they think about our memories the way I think about our memories. If they miss our random calls the way I do. I've tried multiple times fixing a friendship, but it's all in vain. It doesn't really matter because no matter how much I try, if the person doesn't will to fix the friendship, it doesn't matter if I want to fix the friendship, because effort goes from both sides. When you realize you have not a single soul you can call your best friend, not a single person you can rely on, not a single person you can call when you want to or when you need to, not a single person you can text when you are in trouble and when you need someone to hold you in their arms, and it's fine. I was actually having an argument with my friend, a so-called friend. I don't know if I can call her a friend or not. But I've told her thousand times to reach out when she's in a problem, and then she blamed me for not being there for her when I didn't even know that she was in a problem. Like imagine telling someone, Oh my God, you didn't even know I was in so much problem, and you... And when I told them, Why didn't you tell me? And they said, I thought you would know. Like bro, how am I supposed to know if you didn't tell me? We are in a long distance. We have a distance of cities. Like she lives in a different province and I live in a different province. How would I know if you wouldn't tell me by yourself? And I feel like our friendship has ended way back then, but we are just holding because we are scared to let go each other. To be very honest, I miss her. I miss our bond so much. I miss the way we laughed. I miss the way we told each other everything. It's hard that, you know, she's not good for you and, you know. I am just sad over the fact that we couldn't keep our promises that we made to each other. Like we promised to stay together. But the situation, the circumstances, feels so different, and I don't think so we will be able to keep our promise. The truth is, I didn't want to walk away from our friendship. I wanted us to fix it. I wanted one honest conversation where we could admit that things had changed and figure out whether we still wanted the same friendship. But every time I thought about reaching out, I remembered how many times I had already tried. I remembered feeling like I was bothering you, like I was asking for too much just by wanting the same effort back. And eventually I realized that staying attached to the old version of us was hurting me more than losing it, so I let it go quietly. I still remember everything. I still care. I just don't want to lose myself trying to keep someone who has already learned to live without me. How long will I hold on to someone who want to go? You cannot force someone to stay in your life just because you want them to stay. You cannot force someone to love you the same way, the way you love them. And it's the rule of life. She said she cared about me, but she never reached out. Even when I told her how much she means to me, she never really cared about anything.I don't like texting first. So when I get close to someone, I always tell them that it's my habit to never text first, even when I'm dying to talk. So please text me first so that we can have a conversation. And when we started to get along in the first place, she was so kind, and she always used to text me, and I got so happy, like, OMG, I finally found a person who values my habit that I hate texting first and doesn't make it their ego issue and just texts me. And I told her a thousand times that I still hate texting first, but she said, I will text first, and she never did. There is sooo much more. On so many different topics about me, my life.

Question

No matter how much i try, no matter how much efforts i put into something it's never enough. I am never enough. People i call my home don't even look out for me when i disappear. I always put my 100% in relations, whether it is family matters, friendships, love life or anything. I hate being the eldest daughter. I have so much guilt for being born as a  girl. No matter how much i try to be kind, i always ended up treating so badly. It takes so much courage to ask a stranger something, or even a teacher, but their rude behaviours breaks my confidence so badly. It seems a small thing but small makes up big. at the end of the day, every small inconvenience sums up and shatters me to the core. Daily arguments with my parents, bruh  why can't you let me live my life. I envy those who have supportive parents. Parents who would do anything for their child. My parents are a sensitive topic for me. Let's talk about friendships. WHYYYYY??? WHY AM I SOOO UNLUCKY IN FRIENDSHIPSS??? For once in my life i anna have a friend who'd feel like home. I wanna be their bestfriend tooo. but i am aways a backup friend. All the friends i had, they still matter to me although they don't care, they cut up all ties. I am still at the restaurant. Am i that easy to forget? why? How come i am so replaceable. I still couldn't replace people  who were once a part of my life. And just like that they moved on? Ik communication is the key, but it doesn't always work. I have tried to fix bonds by communicating sooo many times but i always end up being the bad person. I always wonder if they miss me the way i miss them??The bond made me question if I ever mattered to them. Because I wonder if they miss me the way I miss them. If they think about our memories the way I think about our memories. If they miss our random calls the way I do. I've tried multiple times fixing a friendship, but it's all in vain. It doesn't really matter because no matter how much I try, if the person doesn't will to fix the friendship, it doesn't matter if I want to fix the friendship, because effort goes from both sides. When you realize you have not a single soul you can call your best friend, not a single person you can rely on, not a single person you can call when you want to or when you need to, not a single person you can text when you are in trouble and when you need someone to hold you in their arms, and it's fine. I was actually having an argument with my friend, a so-called friend. I don't know if I can call her a friend or not. But I've told her thousand times to reach out when she's in a problem, and then she blamed me for not being there for her when I didn't even know that she was in a problem. Like imagine telling someone, Oh my God, you didn't even know I was in so much problem, and you... And when I told them, Why didn't you tell me? And they said, I thought you would know. Like bro, how am I supposed to know if you didn't tell me? We are in a long distance. We have a distance of cities. Like she lives in a different province and I live in a different province. How would I know if you wouldn't tell me by yourself? And I feel like our friendship has ended way back then, but we are just holding because we are scared to let go each other. To be very honest, I miss her. I miss our bond so much. I miss the way we laughed. I miss the way we told each other everything. It's hard that, you know, she's not good for you and, you know. I am just sad over the fact that we couldn't keep our promises that we made to each other. Like we promised to stay together. But the situation, the circumstances, feels so different, and I don't think so we will be able to keep our promise. The truth is, I didn't want to walk away from our friendship. I wanted us to fix it. I wanted one honest conversation where we could admit that things had changed and figure out whether we still wanted the same friendship. But every time I thought about reaching out, I remembered how many times I had already tried. I remembered feeling like I was bothering you, like I was asking for too much just by wanting the same effort back. And eventually I realized that staying attached to the old version of us was hurting me more than losing it, so I let it go quietly. I still remember everything. I still care. I just don't want to lose myself trying to keep someone who has already learned to live without me. How long will I hold on to someone who want to go? You cannot force someone to stay in your life just because you want them to stay. You cannot force someone to love you the same way, the way you love them. And it's the rule of life. She said she cared about me, but she never reached out. Even when I told her how much she means to me, she never really cared about anything.I don't like texting first. So when I get close to someone, I always tell them that it's my habit to never text first, even when I'm dying to talk. So please text me first so that we can have a conversation. And when we started to get along in the first place, she was so kind, and she always used to text me, and I got so happy, like, OMG, I finally found a person who values my habit that I hate texting first and doesn't make it their ego issue and just texts me. And I told her a thousand times that I still hate texting first, but she said, I will text first, and she never did. There is sooo much more. On so many different topics about me, my life.

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Ok, well that was quite long but let me tell you what I think. In my experience, putting your faith in people never works. They're broken people, imperfect, they'll never truly be able to fill your needs. Only one man can do that and thats Jesus. As a catholic, putting my faith in Christ has made it possible for me to care less about other people. I'm catholic, and you might not be, if you're not, I'd ask you to look into it, but if your don't want to hear about religion thats fine. So outside of that, you'll make new friends! This one friend isn't the end bruh, I have many friends, but I haven't had a best friend since I was 12 (I'm 16 now) and its not a nice feeling, being the backup friend, but there's people out there who care about you, people you might've never met before. About your parents, I gotta say I was blessed with incredible parents, who care and support me, and I don't know what I 'd do without them, but sometimes i wanted them to just let me be, let me live my own life. But the reason they were hard on me is because they truly wanted what was best for me, and your parents are probably similar. All they want is to raise their daughter to be someone that can be a valuable member to society, their older and their judgement is... usually... right. SO, overall just try to be the best person you can be, treat others with kindness and love, and maybe people will return the favour, maybe they won't but at the end of the day, our father in heaven sees all and will reward you if you will it. Christ waits at the door of your heart, all you have to do is open it and let him in