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Hi, it looks like I'm talking to myself. I was a straight-A student until junior year of high school. I got a C in economics and precalculus, and that was the beginning of my downfall. Those grades made me question my self-worth, and they caused me to suffer in other classes. I was so fixated on why I wasn't understanding the concepts in class that it made it hard to study for my other classes. Legit, the only reason why I got by junior year was because covid changed how grades were given out, being much more lenient that year. I tied so much of my self-worth to my grades and never even thought about the possibility of what would happen to my self-worth if my grades were poor. My grades also suffered senior year, and it got so bad that I couldn't even look at report cards freshman and sophomore year in college. I had to make a friend look at my grades and just tell me if I passed or not. I didn't even want to know the letter grade, as I knew I would hate myself if it wasn't an A. My thoughts got so dark that I was given antidepressants, and a therapist almost urged me to get admitted. I had never considered academic failure, so I was completely unable to handle it when confronting it for the first time in my life. Junior year of college is when things started to get better. I learned to stop tying my self-worth to my grades. My mantra throughout college was "Cs get degrees". Not because I shouldn't try or just do the bare minimum to pass a class, but because a C is still a genuine passing grade that is not a failure in any way. If I really did try my best in a class and ended up with a C, then I know I still tried to the best of my ability. I have majors in English and Environmental Studies now, with a mix of grades from A to C. I'm currently getting a master's. I have no idea what I want to do career-wise, but I'm taking it one day at a time. I am learning that adulthood is not about grades at all. I'm probably going to work a few odd jobs to sustain myself before finding a career. I still live with my mom. Besides walking dogs here and there, I have no consistent job. My friends have their own place and their own jobs, but I don't feel like a failure. My friends struggle with things they don't share often, because we all have something we struggle with. Comparison is the thief of joy, and I was my own worst enemy when it came down to it. It took a really bad depressive spiral for me to claw my way through to the other end and see the better side of things. I stopped using my grades as a mirror of my self-worth and stopped comparing myself to my peers. I also have worries about the future, but I am focused on now. I've found that my interests and passions don't really have career paths, but that is what makes them so important to me. I will work an odd job here and there to fund my future and hobbies. If anything, I hope you find a passion that is not tied to money, so that way you don't have to worry about "failure". Sending best wishes, you are not alone in this feeling of uncertainty.
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