“what is it called when you are hyper aware of everything going one on in your mind but can't do anything about it. feels like it's a dark isolated deep ocean of sorts and i am just drowning and I know I need help but I cannot let anybody know that I do.”

Another soul answered...

That's called overthinking. And you are afraid to show this feeling to someone because you have felt from a longer time that sharing things can make you look like u r craving for validation or attention and are afraid what if someone uses it as a weapon when you r hurt at your lowest. I know telling you this can't change your situation but i can give you an advice. try writing your thoughts on a diary if you have no one and be your own helper . Nobody is goona come and take you out of that thing it's jst that when someone who genuinely comes to you and puts their best efforts it's makes us feel secure and lets us to be happy for sometime. You will someday get out of this overthinking and getting lost on your thoughts when you will experience the happiness and peace which you crave for