so , I'm a girl , I've been in a relationship from 9th , I've been traumatized through my childhood , the relationship went well till 11th grade , but we did long distance because of different schools and , it felt like a one sided effort at that point so I asked what he thought and he broke up with me right before my birthday, it was devastating , i never loved anything or hoped anything like that in my whole life it hurt like hell , i was silent and quiet for months till my 12th middle, we talked he said he had a girlfriend , but he confessed aftr 2 months that him having a girlfriend was a lie , but those months were i thought it was true i considered moving on ... so there was this second guy who really liked me from 11th till his 12th graduation cuz he was a year senior to me , my friends all assured me try dating him he is the one for you , i had my doubts that wht if i coulnt move on but then after i got into a relationship it was ok but i was constantly comparing stuff between him and my ex , then i called things off with him in 2 months cuz i clearly realised i wasnt over my ex yet ... this second guy was quite close with me cuz he was my senior and we have mutual friends , it hurts to hurt him but i was not over my ex so i ended stuff with him , then my ex came back and proposed again , i had askd my frnds and they said go for it , so i said ok to my ex and tbh i smiled genuinely after a year aftr getting back w him , but then the second guy is like really innocent and all but i just cant be with him at all , i mixed up affection and love and dated him for two months whereas his feelings were genuine i dont know wht to do with him . my ex who came back keeps saying he is the one for u and tried setting me up with him , he's thinking that people might talk tht i left the second person for him and feels bad for it , whereas my heart has only whispered one name and thats him , i love him sooooo much , but no one seems to understand that i like my ex sooo much they just keep thinking from their shoes .... they say that the second person waited for u from march till july which was 4-6 mnths approx. because he proposed to me then and i said no , but no one understands tht i waited for my ex to return for 11 months and im fricking done with this , i really love my ex but he has self doubts if he is enough for me , and he thinks if anyone might talk bad abt me when all my heart has screamed was his name ... any advice for me ? and on top of this im a NEET student and my boards are this year im strong tht i want my ex only but he and others dont seem to understand tht ... any advice ?

Question

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

READ THIS VERY PATIENTLY GIRL!! GIVE YOURSELF GOOD AMOUT OF TIME AND SPACE AND READ IT. ITS GONNA TAKE TIME.

Hi girlie. This is Kay, a 27 year old women, From Uttarakhand. 
I just came to see this website as i was curious and from these so many questions, yours the one i m interested to answer because i was in the same situation like u when i was in class 12th. I will advice u only to make u understand that its just a phase.  Years later u will understand a lot. After reading everything u said one thing is pretty clear that you love ur ex and not the other guy who loved u and u are sure about ur ex also. Let me tell u you are not wrong for choosing someone u love. Its alright. But u were wrong for choosing someone half heartly. yeah it happens ik. Most of the time when we talk to someone and have this bond which forms the closeness with time we might think that this is the person for me because this person loves me. but most of the time its not. So i wont say u were right dating him and then dumping him 2 months later. but its a lesson for u right? with this experience u need to understand and learn how not every conversation or spending time with someone is about dating them. Why am i saying this to u? its coming from a personal space. Just like u i dated someone for a month because that guy did put me in guilt of not loving him and he was my best friend. so i thought atleast i can do this for my bestf. So i tried. I tried to love him and it didnt happen. And i knew this already that i didnt love him, only dated because i thought maybe with i could love him the same. 
One more example i would share. I had my breakup 2 years back, Joined the gym, found a really good friend, who happen to like me romantically since the beginning of our friendship. and after 2 years of liking me he finally told me and confessed me about his feelings and u know what the decision i took. I clearly told him that i dont feel the same, This guy who's very sweet, lovely, could be the great partner for me because he's the bestest person i have met, the only person i could be venerable with i found. i still said no to him and the only reason is that even after 2 years i havent moved on from my ex, from my relationship that i had once. I cant accept someone without removing him from my life entirely. im still in the process, i am doing good but ik its gonna take time thats why i dont accept anyone now and isnt ready to date. I AM ONLY SHARING THIS EXPERIENCE OF MINE TO MAKE U UNDERSTAND HOW U SHOULD BE THIS CLEAR IN YOUR MIND BEFORE DATING A NEW PERSON. So thats from my experience.

Another thing, If ur ex thinks that he isn't the one for u trust him he's right and doing a favor to u. The guy, the men they know where the women they love stands in their life. Trust me. i have been there. i also was with a guy since 9th class, dated till 11th because he did something which hurt me. we were separated then. but my love wasn't over. i loved him and after 4 years when i was in my 3rd year of college i dated him again because we did not date anyone else. I had the same love for him and he claimed he had the same love for me as well. so i restarted this relationship thinking it would work this time and guess what it did not. You wanna know why? Because the man was in doubt. he knew he couldn't love me the way i loved him. Just like u i was very in love with my ex, did all the right thing, it was going well till things got changed, He couldn't give me the time i wanted, the loved i deserved and u know why because people, when they love u they would make this work. if they are in doubt there are never ur people. Its been 2 years, i havent talked to him since then. I have the same love, i have lost all my urges to be with him. By this dont come to the conclusion that ur ex dont love u or will treat u badly. i just wanna say, things not working out is the answer for something that is already working out for ur life. If there are complications about ur relationship then thats an relationship issue which u both needs to figure out but if there is an issue where ur ex is clearly showing u that he couldnt be the guy u would want as a partner of u for life, in ur ups in ur downs then trust the time and leave everything behind. After 12th, Life gets difficult. It takes complete u-turn where u would be creating ur life from the start. and after getting a job, it will take a u-turn again, where u will once again start everything from the start. So there's a lot to life.

I also wanna add one thing. If u think u and ur ex is sure about this relationship and really wanna be with each other for life without thinking about the 3rd guy, friends or people who are taunting u, f*ck them all. Forget and live for ur life and live for each other but if only u both are on the same page, he should be loving u equally even i said a lil more than u do to make a relationship work for life. A guy should never be in a doubt when it comes to his girl.  But its gonna work if u both want this equally. Sit with him, talk him and ask what he really wants, what he's seeing in the future. Does he want u as his partner in his future? Does he see u as the only woman he's gonna live with rest of his life? Does he see the future where he would be doing things for u? Ask all the right questions and then ask to ur intuition if everything feels alright. We women, ours intuitions are really strong so u would know if asking the questions and getting the answers felt right or not.

At the end all i wanna say is, The most important thing for u right now is ur exam, trust me yes, ITS UR EXAM NEET. Focus on that the most because nobody's gonna focus on u. Life will move on, u will find someone u would love u the way u wanted, but u wouldn't get to make ur career again with this time. Right people will always meet u when u expect the least. And with life u will get to see how men dont risks their career for women but women do for men. I dont want u to regret being that woman, its gonna hurt u the most. If u start ur relationship with ur ex, i hope he will love u the most very dearly, i hope he would never respect u ever, i hope hes gonna make u happy and laugh, i hope hes gonna stand with u in front of anyone, i would hope that u two stay together and live a very happily life, i hope u both stick to each other through life, through ur highs or your lows, through major life changes, through things u didn't see coming. And if u decide to not be with him or anyone right now, i will want the best for ur life. I hope u become a very strong, bold, intelligent, opinionated, independent, beautiful, loving and caring woman. I hope life treats u the best because living single, alone, without depending on the other people for ur vulnerability, ur struggles, ur venting, without someone's care, it takes a huge amount of courage to live like that. So if u choose a single life for now u are gonna experience this well till u not find the right person who would not let u live like that for long. Thats it. I hope u come to this far reading all this. ik it was long to read. But u needed it. Also im sorry if i have said anything hurting for u. Its not my intention at all. i hope u understand. Also every experience which i shared with u, i hope it wont bore u, and i hope u understand it was only to make u understand how ur life felt similar to me and what i did too and where im coming from and why am i advising this way.

ALL THE BEST BABYGIRL. I KNOW U ARE BEAUTIFUL, SMART WOMAN, AND I KNOW U WILL CHOOSE THE RIGHT DECISION.  AND I ALSO BELIVE U ARE GONNA FOCUS ON YOUR SELF FIRST, BUILD THE LIFE BRICK BY BRICK, MAKE UR CARRER AND UR MONEY, BY AND SPOIL URSELF AND UR FAMILY HOWEVER U WANT, U WILL BE SUPER PROUD OF THAT, ALL THE BEST FOR UR NEET, I HOPE U SECURE GOOD RANK AND GET THE COLLEGE U ARE AMINING FOR. I KNOW U ARE GONNA DO WELL.

WITH ALL LOVE, KAY