Respected Monk,

I want to share a situation from my college life and seek your guidance. I don't want you to take my side or tell me that I am right just to make me feel better. I genuinely want an honest answer, even if it means pointing out my mistakes.

During my first year of B.Tech, I was a very quiet and reserved person. I rarely initiated conversations or opened up to people. However, I noticed something unusual about myself: I found it easier to talk to people who weren't particularly close to me, who didn't give me much attention, or with whom I didn't feel emotionally attached. I could talk freely with them without feeling much pressure.

But when someone became emotionally close to me, I found it difficult to communicate with them naturally. I would sometimes distance myself or stop putting in the same effort.

In my first year, I became friends with a girl and a boy. Later, another girl became my closest friend, and our friendship circle expanded. As I became closer to my new friend, I gradually stopped communicating with the boy as much as before. I didn't intentionally use him, but I rarely initiated conversations unless there was a reason or situation that required us to interact.

Over time, some people in our circle started saying that I used people whenever I needed something. I never saw myself that way, but I also cannot completely dismiss how my behaviour might have appeared to others.

In my third year, I became friends with another boy who was a friend of my best friend. We used to talk regularly, sometimes late at night, about ordinary things like games, life and relationships. There was no relationship between us. We were friends who could communicate comfortably.

However, people started assuming that we were romantically involved. Someone apparently shared our chats with another person, who interpreted them as something much deeper than they actually were.

I also had feelings for another friend, expressed them, and was rejected. Eventually, my closest friendships started falling apart. My best friend and another close friend stopped talking to me around the same time. It affected me deeply. I tried contacting my best friend through messages and emails, but she didn't want to reconnect.

Looking back, I realise that I had a possessive attitude towards friendships. I wanted certain people to remain my friends and didn't like them becoming close to people I disliked or considered my enemies. I now understand that expecting friends to choose sides or restricting their other friendships was unfair and immature. I accept that this was my mistake.

But I also wonder whether I was emotionally dependent on certain friendships without understanding it.

Now, coming to the present situation.

There are two people from my college life whom I still communicate with.

The first is a girl who was once part of my original friendship circle. We were friends, but we never shared everything or developed complete emotional trust. Recently, I spoke to her boyfriend about certain things I knew regarding their relationship. I told him that she might eventually distance herself from him and shared my opinions about her past relationships and behaviour.

I thought I was advising him as a friend, but she eventually found out and blocked me everywhere. I didn't even know she had blocked me initially. I had visited her home and met her afterwards, so discovering this hurt and confused me.

The second person is a boy who once had feelings for me. I have always considered him a friend, not a potential boyfriend or romantic partner. I have communicated this to him clearly.

However, he feels that I give more attention to other people than I ever gave him. He pointed out that I could spend hours talking to other boys, playing games and chatting with them, but I never made the same effort with him.

I think he is right about the difference in my behaviour.

I find it easier to talk to people when I know they won't become emotionally attached to me or expect something from me. With him, I know he has feelings for me, and that makes communication complicated. I don't want to give him false hope, hurt him, or make him feel that he is entitled to something from me.

Recently, he also expressed discomfort about me talking to one of his roommates, who had previously expressed romantic interest in me. I don't want to become a source of emotional distress for him, but I also don't believe I should have to stop talking to someone simply because another person has feelings for me.

There is something else I have noticed about myself.

I often talk about how people left me, how my friendships ended, and how much those experiences hurt me. But I rarely explain the complete circumstances, including my own mistakes.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am unconsciously portraying myself as the victim while ignoring the role I played in these situations.

I don't want to do that.

I also don't want to keep entering complicated friendships, misunderstandings and emotional situations. At the same time, I fear that if I distance myself from these remaining people, I will have nobody left from my college life.

I am confused about whether I genuinely want friendships or whether I am simply afraid of being alone.

**I want to ask you the following questions:**

1. Why do I find it easier to communicate with people who are emotionally distant from me, but struggle to communicate with people who are close to me or emotionally attached to me?

2. Why do I sometimes distance myself from people who genuinely care about me, while giving more attention to people with whom I have no emotional expectations?

3. Is this a form of emotional avoidance, fear of attachment, or something else? How can I understand the difference?

4. Am I unconsciously using people for attention, companionship or emotional comfort, even when I don't intend to exploit them?

5. When someone has feelings for me that I don't reciprocate, what is the right way to maintain a friendship without giving them false hope or making them feel neglected?

6. Was my expectation that my friends shouldn't associate with people I disliked a sign of possessiveness, insecurity or attachment? How do I overcome it?

7. When friendships end, how do I distinguish between genuinely being wronged and refusing to acknowledge my own mistakes?

8. If someone blocks me or chooses to walk away, should I try to understand and repair the relationship, or should I accept their decision and move forward?

9. Is it healthy to maintain friendships simply because I am afraid of having nobody, even when those friendships are emotionally complicated?

10. How can I learn to form genuine friendships without expecting constant attention, exclusivity, validation or emotional reassurance?

**My biggest question is this:**

Am I someone who genuinely struggles with emotional attachment, someone who unknowingly hurts people while protecting herself, or someone who has developed a habit of wanting people around without knowing how to maintain meaningful relationships?

I don't want to blame my circumstances, my friends or my personality anymore. I want to understand myself.

How do I take responsibility for my actions without constantly hating myself for my past?

And how can I learn to let people come and go without either becoming emotionally dependent on them or completely shutting them out?

I would sincerely appreciate your honest guidance.

Question

Respected Monk,

I want to share a situation from my college life and seek your guidance. I don't want you to take my side or tell me that I am right just to make me feel better. I genuinely want an honest answer, even if it means pointing out my mistakes.

During my first year of B.Tech, I was a very quiet and reserved person. I rarely initiated conversations or opened up to people. However, I noticed something unusual about myself: I found it easier to talk to people who weren't particularly close to me, who didn't give me much attention, or with whom I didn't feel emotionally attached. I could talk freely with them without feeling much pressure.

But when someone became emotionally close to me, I found it difficult to communicate with them naturally. I would sometimes distance myself or stop putting in the same effort.

In my first year, I became friends with a girl and a boy. Later, another girl became my closest friend, and our friendship circle expanded. As I became closer to my new friend, I gradually stopped communicating with the boy as much as before. I didn't intentionally use him, but I rarely initiated conversations unless there was a reason or situation that required us to interact.

Over time, some people in our circle started saying that I used people whenever I needed something. I never saw myself that way, but I also cannot completely dismiss how my behaviour might have appeared to others.

In my third year, I became friends with another boy who was a friend of my best friend. We used to talk regularly, sometimes late at night, about ordinary things like games, life and relationships. There was no relationship between us. We were friends who could communicate comfortably.

However, people started assuming that we were romantically involved. Someone apparently shared our chats with another person, who interpreted them as something much deeper than they actually were.

I also had feelings for another friend, expressed them, and was rejected. Eventually, my closest friendships started falling apart. My best friend and another close friend stopped talking to me around the same time. It affected me deeply. I tried contacting my best friend through messages and emails, but she didn't want to reconnect.

Looking back, I realise that I had a possessive attitude towards friendships. I wanted certain people to remain my friends and didn't like them becoming close to people I disliked or considered my enemies. I now understand that expecting friends to choose sides or restricting their other friendships was unfair and immature. I accept that this was my mistake.

But I also wonder whether I was emotionally dependent on certain friendships without understanding it.

Now, coming to the present situation.

There are two people from my college life whom I still communicate with.

The first is a girl who was once part of my original friendship circle. We were friends, but we never shared everything or developed complete emotional trust. Recently, I spoke to her boyfriend about certain things I knew regarding their relationship. I told him that she might eventually distance herself from him and shared my opinions about her past relationships and behaviour.

I thought I was advising him as a friend, but she eventually found out and blocked me everywhere. I didn't even know she had blocked me initially. I had visited her home and met her afterwards, so discovering this hurt and confused me.

The second person is a boy who once had feelings for me. I have always considered him a friend, not a potential boyfriend or romantic partner. I have communicated this to him clearly.

However, he feels that I give more attention to other people than I ever gave him. He pointed out that I could spend hours talking to other boys, playing games and chatting with them, but I never made the same effort with him.

I think he is right about the difference in my behaviour.

I find it easier to talk to people when I know they won't become emotionally attached to me or expect something from me. With him, I know he has feelings for me, and that makes communication complicated. I don't want to give him false hope, hurt him, or make him feel that he is entitled to something from me.

Recently, he also expressed discomfort about me talking to one of his roommates, who had previously expressed romantic interest in me. I don't want to become a source of emotional distress for him, but I also don't believe I should have to stop talking to someone simply because another person has feelings for me.

There is something else I have noticed about myself.

I often talk about how people left me, how my friendships ended, and how much those experiences hurt me. But I rarely explain the complete circumstances, including my own mistakes.

Sometimes I wonder whether I am unconsciously portraying myself as the victim while ignoring the role I played in these situations.

I don't want to do that.

I also don't want to keep entering complicated friendships, misunderstandings and emotional situations. At the same time, I fear that if I distance myself from these remaining people, I will have nobody left from my college life.

I am confused about whether I genuinely want friendships or whether I am simply afraid of being alone.

**I want to ask you the following questions:**

1. Why do I find it easier to communicate with people who are emotionally distant from me, but struggle to communicate with people who are close to me or emotionally attached to me?

2. Why do I sometimes distance myself from people who genuinely care about me, while giving more attention to people with whom I have no emotional expectations?

3. Is this a form of emotional avoidance, fear of attachment, or something else? How can I understand the difference?

4. Am I unconsciously using people for attention, companionship or emotional comfort, even when I don't intend to exploit them?

5. When someone has feelings for me that I don't reciprocate, what is the right way to maintain a friendship without giving them false hope or making them feel neglected?

6. Was my expectation that my friends shouldn't associate with people I disliked a sign of possessiveness, insecurity or attachment? How do I overcome it?

7. When friendships end, how do I distinguish between genuinely being wronged and refusing to acknowledge my own mistakes?

8. If someone blocks me or chooses to walk away, should I try to understand and repair the relationship, or should I accept their decision and move forward?

9. Is it healthy to maintain friendships simply because I am afraid of having nobody, even when those friendships are emotionally complicated?

10. How can I learn to form genuine friendships without expecting constant attention, exclusivity, validation or emotional reassurance?

**My biggest question is this:**

Am I someone who genuinely struggles with emotional attachment, someone who unknowingly hurts people while protecting herself, or someone who has developed a habit of wanting people around without knowing how to maintain meaningful relationships?

I don't want to blame my circumstances, my friends or my personality anymore. I want to understand myself.

How do I take responsibility for my actions without constantly hating myself for my past?

And how can I learn to let people come and go without either becoming emotionally dependent on them or completely shutting them out?

I would sincerely appreciate your honest guidance.

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

I am going to be honest with you, and some of what I say might be uncomfortable to hear. But you asked for guidance, not reassurance, so I hope you will read this without immediately defending yourself.

The first thing I want you to understand is that you cannot keep asking why people leave your life without being equally willing to examine what it feels like to be on the other side of your behaviour.

You have described several friendships that ended, several misunderstandings, people feeling neglected, people feeling used, and people eventually choosing to walk away. Perhaps some of them misunderstood you. Perhaps some treated you unfairly. But when similar problems appear across several relationships, it is worth asking whether there is a pattern in your own behaviour.

And I think there is.

1. You seem to enjoy the comfort of connection without always wanting the responsibility that comes with it.

You said something particularly revealing: you find it easier to talk to people who aren’t emotionally attached to you.

Think about that.

When someone has no expectations of you, you can talk for hours. You can joke, play games, share things and be yourself. There is no emotional pressure.

But when someone genuinely cares about you, suddenly you become uncomfortable. You start withdrawing, reducing communication or becoming less available.

Why?

Perhaps because emotionally available people make you conscious of your own emotional responsibilities. You know their feelings are involved. You know your actions can hurt them. You know they might expect consistency from you.

And instead of learning to navigate that discomfort, you retreat.

But here is something you need to understand: you cannot expect the benefits of emotional intimacy while continuously avoiding the responsibilities of maintaining it.

Friendship is not just having someone to talk to when you feel like it. It also involves showing up when there is nothing particularly exciting to gain from the interaction.

2. You might be confusing being wanted with wanting someone.

I want you to think about this carefully.

Do you actually miss certain people, or do you miss knowing that they were available to you?

Do you genuinely want their company, or does their attention make you feel secure?

There is a difference.

Sometimes we become attached to the reassurance that someone will be there, rather than to the actual person.

And when that person starts developing expectations, we feel suffocated.

We want them around, but we don’t necessarily want the closeness they are asking for.

That is an uncomfortable position to put another person in.

You need to stop keeping people emotionally close simply because their presence makes loneliness easier to tolerate.

That doesn’t mean you must reciprocate everyone’s feelings. It means you must be honest about what you can offer.

3. About the boy who has feelings for you: you are not responsible for loving him back. But you are responsible for being clear and considerate.

Let me be very clear here.

You do not owe someone romantic affection because they have feelings for you. You do not owe them hours of conversation, constant availability or exclusivity.

And you certainly do not have to stop talking to another person because they feel uncomfortable about it.

His feelings do not give him ownership over your friendships.

However, I also want you to consider his perspective.

Imagine having feelings for someone, knowing that they don’t reciprocate them, and watching them spend hours talking to other people while barely making an effort with you.

It would probably hurt.

He is allowed to feel hurt. You are allowed to maintain your boundaries.

Both things can be true.

But if you know that your friendship gives him hope, and you continue participating in an emotionally intimate dynamic without addressing that possibility, you are contributing to the confusion.

You cannot control his feelings, but you can control the signals you send.

Sometimes the kindest thing you can do is allow someone the distance they need, even if you would prefer to keep them as a friend.

4. Your possessiveness towards friendships was wrong. I wouldn’t sugarcoat that.

You admitted that you didn’t like your friends becoming close to people you disliked.

That is possessiveness.

Your friends are not extensions of you. They are independent human beings with their own opinions, relationships and choices.

You cannot decide who they should associate with. You cannot expect loyalty to mean agreeing with your dislikes.

And you cannot turn friendship into a situation where someone has to prove that they value you by choosing you over somebody else.

That is not loyalty. That is control disguised as attachment.

You may have been afraid of being replaced, forgotten or becoming less important. Those fears are understandable.

But they do not justify controlling other people’s relationships.

You need to learn that someone can love you, value you and genuinely enjoy your friendship while also being friends with someone you dislike.

You are not entitled to exclusivity.

5. About the girl whose boyfriend you spoke to: I think you crossed a boundary.

You said you were advising him as a friend.

But ask yourself something: Was it actually your place to discuss her past relationships, predict her future behaviour and give her boyfriend your interpretation of her character?

Unless there was a genuine safety concern or something serious that he needed to know, I don’t think it was.

You might have believed you were helping him. But you were discussing someone else’s personal life and relationship without her involvement.

She had every right to feel betrayed.

And the fact that you visited her afterwards without knowing she had blocked you does not erase what happened.

Sometimes people don’t explain why they walk away. Sometimes they simply decide that they no longer want a relationship with us.

You may not like their decision, but you have to respect it.

6. You need to stop treating every friendship that ends as a personal tragedy in which you are the abandoned person.

This is probably one of the most important things I want to tell you.

You talk about people leaving. You talk about how much it hurt when your best friend stopped speaking to you. You talk about losing people you thought would remain in your life.

And I believe you were hurt.

But I also notice that you are beginning to recognise something important: you sometimes tell the story from the perspective of the person who was left, without adequately examining why the other person might have chosen to leave.

You can be hurt and still be responsible.

You can be misunderstood and still have behaved badly.

You can have been treated unfairly and still owe someone an apology.

Being hurt does not automatically make you innocent.

Please remember that.

And equally, making mistakes does not mean every person who leaves you was justified in doing so.

You need to learn to hold both truths at once.

7. Should you continue friendships simply because you are afraid of having nobody?

No.

And I want you to be particularly careful about this.

Loneliness can make you hold on to relationships that you would otherwise recognise as unhealthy or incompatible.

You start tolerating confusion because at least somebody is there.

You keep conversations going because you don’t want another person to disappear.

You become afraid of setting boundaries because you wonder who will remain afterwards.

But having three complicated friendships is not necessarily better than having one peaceful friendship.

And being alone for a while is not a punishment.

Sometimes you need to experience your own company without constantly looking for someone to fill the silence.

However, don’t confuse this with shutting everyone out. You don’t need to disappear from people’s lives to prove that you are independent.

Learn to have friendships without