“My situation – Need an honest perspective
I was previously in a relationship with a guy named Shravan. Unfortunately, the relationship ended very badly. The relationship itself became emotionally difficult, and the breakup affected me quite severely. I struggled a lot mentally and eventually had to consult a psychiatrist. However, with time, I moved on and genuinely felt that I had put that chapter behind me.
A while later, I met another guy, Vijay. Initially, we were just friends. In fact, I was quite rude to him when we first met, but he continued being friends with me. Eventually, he started developing feelings for me.
Over the next few months, we became quite close. We shared almost everything with each other. Whether I was feeling low, happy, irritated or excited, I would tell him. Even the smallest things he experienced, he would share with me. I was comfortable around him, and I genuinely enjoyed talking to him.
Somewhere along the way, I also started developing romantic feelings for him. I knew he probably liked me, although he had no idea that I felt that way.
On November 5, encouraged by his friends, he finally confessed his feelings. I had some family-related concerns and other personal issues, which I explained to him. He was understanding and accepting of everything. Since I already liked him and thought things could work out, I agreed to the relationship.
But something unexpected happened.
From the moment our friendship turned into a relationship, I started experiencing severe anxiety.
I couldn't sleep properly. I lost my appetite and sometimes could barely eat a spoonful of food. I started experiencing panic attacks, constant anxiety and an overwhelming urge to cry.
The confusing part is that Vijay is nothing like Shravan. He's almost the opposite.
He's expressive, caring, loyal, understanding and emotionally available. He communicates his feelings openly and shares everything with me. I genuinely feel that he would take care of me well in the future. He's the kind of person I always thought I wanted in a partner.
But whenever he expresses his love, especially when he says something like "I love you", I struggle to respond naturally. It feels forced, as though I'm making myself reciprocate his feelings rather than expressing something that comes naturally to me.
And this is what I cannot understand.
When we were friends, I liked him romantically. I was excited to talk to him. I imagined the possibility of us being together. I genuinely enjoyed our connection.
But after becoming a couple, I started questioning everything.
Why am I unable to reciprocate when he's treating me so well? Why do I feel suffocated when I have to express love? Why am I experiencing so much anxiety when there's nothing he's doing to make me feel unsafe?
I don't know whether my previous relationship has anything to do with this. With Shravan, I didn't experience these symptoms during the initial happy phase. They started when he began pulling away and things deteriorated.
I eventually explained everything to Vijay. Initially, he tried to reassure me, telling me that we could figure things out together and that he would be there for me.
But eventually, I told him again that I couldn't continue the relationship because I genuinely didn't understand what was happening to me.
He initially struggled to accept it because he was deeply attached to me. Eventually, we decided to remain friends.
I know he's still hurting, even though he tells me he's fine. I also feel that he might still have hopes for us, despite me repeatedly telling him not to wait for me or expect that we'll eventually get back together.
I don't want to stop talking to him because I genuinely enjoy his company and don't want to lose the friendship. But I also don't want my continued communication to give him false hope.
And I feel incredibly guilty. I never intended to hurt him. I sometimes feel like I've betrayed him by agreeing to the relationship and then realising I couldn't continue.
What I genuinely want to understand is:
Could this be relationship anxiety or an unresolved emotional response from my previous relationship?
Or is it possible that I liked him romantically as a friend but don't actually want a relationship with him?
Why am I experiencing such intense physical symptoms – panic attacks, sleeplessness and loss of appetite – when the person I'm with is actually treating me well?
How do I distinguish between anxiety blocking my feelings and simply not being romantically interested enough?
I'm not looking for someone to tell me to choose Vijay or forget him. I genuinely want to understand myself and why I'm reacting this way.
I would really appreciate an honest, unbiased perspective. Please don't automatically blame my previous relationship or assume that Vijay is necessarily the right person for me just because he's treating me well. I want to understand what's happening within me.”
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Someone answered with kindness...
heyy. i dont think i can offer much help but i relate to the anxiety part of it, though my anxiety is primarily academic. i doubt your previous relationship is the sole reason for this response, though its likely that it aggrevated it.
cant say im an expert for sure, but i feel like you connected with a person, then felt anxious you weren't good enough. as a fellow overthinker, i get it. it happens ALL THE TIME.
see, personally i have 2 main issues- sleeping and then an immediate response. I have 2 recommendations for you, use the app called Dare(it has a purple app icon) which has nature sounds and motivations stuff for when ur mind is restless. another app called mellow(its green text) which helps with breathing techniques, panic attack support and games to help calm ur mind. Not saying it'll definetly work for you, but it helps me. This bit is only for ur anxiety bit.
as for the cause of anxiety, im no therapist but i feel like it going to be a constant in my life so we just gotta learn how to live with it and move forward.
If you feel like Vijay would be able to care for you during those lows and geniunely want to help with expressing yourself, thats when you know that you consider him a safe space. i doubt that ur the type of person to like him and then not want a relationship. Not being romantically interested could simply mean hes not the person youd go to when everything falls apart. anxiety would be a fear of something in the future or a possible consequence of an action, not an emotion that should generally affect how dependable that person is for you.
truly, i think the main focus should be working on your anxiety because personaly, it sucks when it meddles in my friendships and relationships. you mentioned seeing a psychiatrist, see if you could pay them another visit to understand how to move past the anxiety and open yourself up again.
I think for now youve handled it well because i kinda get it, you dont want ur issues to be a burden on him right?? but trust me, with the right person, they wont be a burden at all. you're going to be able to manage this and u will understand ur reactions, i can tell that. i appreciate how logically ur thinking about this so, good luck! hope this helped- sorry i dont know too much abt this haha