My family genuinely sucks out my energy. I don't feel like myself anymore. I remember every single word my mother said about me when she was angry. She may not remember it but I do. She said that they shouldn't have given me so much freedom and that I deserve to be beaten since I was little. They said that I am characterless and not normal. They said that they never expected a girl to engage in drug abuse and that I am unworthy of all the money that they have spent on me when the reason I started using drugs was them. They pass taunts at me every single day about everything that went wrong with me. My self harm scars, my ciggerate, my alcohol and more when they are the ones who made me like this. I am clean since some time but I am having urges of self harming again since that's the only thing that I can do as a coping mechanism because I am prohibited from leaving the house on my own to buy a cigarette or drink. She says that I cannot leave house under any circumstance after it's dark because I might get raped. My aunt is so sexist that she always prioritises my brothers over me and said things like her can go anywhere he wants because he is a guy and I should even walk a little slouched so that my breasts are not that visible to my brother who has already sexually assaulted me once. I feel exhausted and don't know longer I can live like this. I get suicidal thoughts every now and then

Question

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

I wish I could begin by telling you that you are not the things they call you, darling. You are not characterless, unworthy, abnormal or undeserving of love. You are a person who is hurting, and you deserve to be treated with considerably more tenderness than you seem to have received.
I think one of the cruelest things about growing up in an environment where your feelings are constantly invalidated is that eventually you begin to internalise the very words that were used against you. You remember every sentence, every passing remark, every insult uttered in anger, even when the person who said it has long forgotten. And you carry them around as though they are truths about you.
But someone's anger does not make their words an accurate description of your character.
I also want you to understand that struggling with substance use, having a difficult relationship with your family, or having made decisions you aren't proud of does not make you undeserving of compassion. You are allowed to recover without having your past held against you every single day. And being clean is something worth recognising, not something you should have to defend.
Your family's treatment of you is not something you should have to simply learn to tolerate. You deserve boundaries, privacy, safety and the freedom to exist without constantly feeling scrutinised. And what happened with your brother was not your fault. You should never have to make yourself smaller or feel ashamed of your body to accommodate someone else's behaviour.
But I am particularly concerned about what you said towards the end. Please, do not return to hurting yourself just because the circumstances around you have made every other form of relief seem inaccessible. I know you are exhausted, but you deserve help that actually addresses your pain rather than gives you another reason to suffer.
Please reach out to someone outside this family whom you trust: a counsellor, a trusted relative, a teacher or a mental health professional. Tell them about the urges and the suicidal thoughts, even if saying it aloud feels frightening. If you feel you might act on those thoughts, please don't stay alone; get near someone safe and seek urgent help.
And perhaps I want you to remember this most of all:
You are not a lost cause simply because the people around you have made you feel like one, love.
You are allowed to become someone beyond the version of yourself that your family keeps bringing up. You are allowed to recover, to grow, to make mistakes, to change and to have a life that isn't permanently defined by your most difficult years.
Please don't give up on the possibility of that life. You deserve to experience it, sweetheart.