“my biggest issues. where do i even start LMAOOO
i feel like my biggest problem is that i feel EVERYTHING but act like i feel NOTHING. like genuinely. i could be so hurt by something and still act normal, joke around, laugh, talk to everyone like nothing happened. and then i go home and suddenly my brain decides it's the PERFECT time to replay every single detail. every word. every tone. every little change in someone's behavior. LIKE GIRL??? CAN WE NOT???
and i hate how much i care about people. i actually do. because i can act like idc, i can distance myself, i can literally convince myself that i'm fine without someone, but the second i realize how much they actually mean to me it's OVER. i'm cooked. especially when someone becomes a part of my routine and my comfort. their absence feels so much bigger than it should. and the worst part is that i don't even want to stop caring. i just wish caring didn't make me this vulnerable.
crushes make this approximately 100x worse btw.
because i don't get crushes like "omg he's cute hehe." NO. my brain goes "what if this random conversation becomes a core memory?" suddenly i'm remembering the way they laughed at one joke three weeks ago, the comfortable silence, the stupid little habit they have when they're thinking, and i'm sitting there like WHY IS THIS STORED IN 4K ULTRA HD??? WHO ASKED???
and LL is literally the funniest example because HOW DID I MANAGE TO FAKE A CRUSH SO HARD THAT I ACCIDENTALLY DEVELOPED REAL FEELINGS??? 😭 like i genuinely trapped myself. congratulations queen. self-inflicted emotional damage.
the worst part is that i don't even think it's about grand romantic moments. it's the tiny stuff that absolutely destroys me. sitting next to each other without talking. sharing food. laughing at the same dumb thing. those moments where it feels so normal that i forget to overthink for like... thirty seconds. THIRTY WHOLE SECONDS OF PEACE. incredible.
and then my brain clocks back in.
"wait... did they look at me differently?"
"were they quieter today?"
"did i say something weird?"
"am i imagining everything?"
GIRL STAND UP.
i know i don't actually know what someone else is thinking. i KNOW THAT. but somehow my feelings make me the least reliable narrator alive. i can analyze everyone else's situations logically and then one interaction with someone i like turns me into an FBI agent with absolutely zero evidence.
another thing is that i HATE feeling like i'm the only one trying. i can forgive someone emotionally and still not trust them the same way again. i can miss someone and still be mad at them. i can understand why someone acted a certain way and STILL be hurt by it. like just because i understand you doesn't mean it didn't hurt me??? HELLO???
and i hide literally EVERYTHING until i can't anymore.
i don't like letting people know how much power they have to hurt me.
especially with someone i like.
because admitting "i miss you" feels illegal.
admitting "you affect my mood" feels humiliating.
admitting "i waited to see if you'd text first" needs to be classified government information.
i'll literally act completely normal while internally going "wow i'd actually tell you everything if i knew it wouldn't ruin this."
which is INSANE.
i also think i fall for comfort before i fall for romance.
like butterflies are cute and whatever but do you know what's actually dangerous???
when someone starts feeling like HOME.
when they're the person you instinctively look for.
when seeing them becomes part of your day.
when being around them feels easier than being around everyone else.
that's terrifying.
because suddenly losing that doesn't just feel like losing a crush.
it feels like losing one of your safest places.
and i think that's why inconsistency hits me so hard.
i don't need constant attention.
i don't need someone glued to me 24/7.
i just need to know we're still okay.
i think i also want people to notice things without me having to explain them. not because i expect mind reading, but because when someone remembers my habits or notices i'm quieter than usual, i melt internally. i'm like "oh... you actually SEE me."
and maybe that's why i remember tiny moments so much.
like someone using my hand as a microphone as a joke.
sharing snacks.
walking together.
laughing until my stomach hurts.
those moments are microscopic.
but somehow they become emotional landmarks in my head.
which is embarrassing because i'll be over here protecting a five-second memory like it's the Crown Jewels.
i'm also so contradictory it's actually insane.
i want to be understood but hate explaining myself.
i want reassurance but don't want to ask for it.
i want people to know i care but not HOW MUCH.
i want to be independent but secretly want someone to notice i'm struggling before i say anything.
T and F are literally fighting in a parking lot.
and maybe one of my biggest issues is that i get attached to the feeling of a relationship before i know what it actually is.
not because i'm making things up.
but because little moments become BIG feelings.
and i have to remind myself that something can be incredibly meaningful to me without pretending i know exactly what it means to the other person.
that's probably the healthiest sentence i've ever written.
but WOW does my heart hate hearing it.
i also HATE admitting when someone has become important enough to affect my mood.
because ew???
since when do YOU have admin access to my emotional operating system???
who gave you the password???
i certainly didn't.
and yet one weird interaction later i'm mentally drafting seventeen different explanations while simultaneously telling myself "nah i'm chilling."
liar.
i think i protect myself so much that i accidentally make it harder for people to get close to me.
i notice everything.
who remembers.
who comes back.
who changes around other people.
who apologizes because they mean it versus because they feel like they have to.
i don't forget those things.
once my trust shifts, it doesn't magically reset.
and honestly...
i don't think my biggest issue is that i'm too sensitive.
i don't think it's that i care too much.
i think it's that i'm terrified of caring MORE than someone else.
because caring more feels like losing.
like somehow whoever loves harder loses first.
and i know that's probably not true.
but my heart still treats vulnerability like it's a competition i'm scared to lose.
i'm trying to learn that i can care without chasing.
i can miss someone without abandoning myself.
i can be hurt without pretending i'm fine.
i can forgive without forcing trust back immediately.
i can love having someone in my life without forgetting i'm still my own person.
because underneath all the jokes, the confidence, the fake "idgaf" act, i'm literally just someone who remembers tiny things, gets attached to comfort, falls a little too hard for safe people, and secretly hopes that one day someone will choose me in a way so obvious that my brain finally shuts up for once.
which is embarrassing.
okay actually EXTREMELY embarrassing.
but maybe the real problem isn't that i care too much.
maybe it's that i'm so scared of caring more than someone else that i keep trying to make my feelings look smaller than they actually are.
and then LL smiles at me or we have one stupidly normal moment together and suddenly i'm like
"yeah i'm cooked."
absolutely finished.
GG.”