“Man I do not why I am always sad , like always , I used to be such a happy kid , then I took the decision of sitting for entrance exam (where I am from for admission u have to give exam , and it is difficult ngl and i failed it 6 time yes 6 years but my father arranged the money for a private college becoz i couldn't get a seat in govt college) , and now I am in an medical college I think I failed multiple times bcoz in my heart i never wanted it , I still don't like it I don't know how I am managing it but I am about to be a doctor within a year I hate it , it so much suffocating during my prep days i developed mental health issue , had anxiety/panic attacks took prescription without telling my parents (escitolapram and propranolol an clonazepam) developed habit forming clonazepam but somehow got off of it , thank God , now when I arrived in college will to live was dead quite literally I was a dead body dissecting dead bodies in anatomy , had no fun in first 2 years , then in third year I met a girl she was my senior but due to many reasons involving her ex and her current bf she was detained for giving exam and was dropped into a back year , she is my year , u think of me as a sad depressed person but I know how to perform very well , and potray or act such that no one knows what I really am or feel , i potray being a football now which I used to be before all the ahitshow begins and yes I have many friends , like u cud say I have the biggest friend circle in my batch , so I believe that I have been a loser all my life leta change that if I can't be "not a loser" , then atleast I can pretend to be " not a loser" and it worked and slowly I had friends but I never got attached to dem becoz they never knew who i was , how I feel because I lie everything Abt my past(which do hurt me ) they don't know anything about me if they even know anything it's a lie , and i am ashamed o that too , now coming to the girl , she is my best friend straight out , just like a shot of espresso type shit (that's her ig bio as well) I became her friend because I used to feel bad for her for being a year behind but slowly I started to catch feeling and now I am deeply invested too much that I can't get he out of my head and i genuinely love her , she has a bf their relationship is quite fake (i cud be jealous but there are many things people observe , man he spends more time wid me than her bf when I'm I college , she skipped his bday even thos she was free she prefers to stay home than spending time wid him , ) she is beautiful if I am a 2/10 she is easy8/10 and she changed me first I was pretending with fake confidence her coming in my life changed me so much i used to be fr bastard 105 kilos lost 40 kg started working out like a mad men imagine i had visible abs in like 6 months of lifting weight started skin care , grooming, good cloths , playing and enjoying football again which I used to love before , she changed me upside down naturally I was drawn towards her biggest thing is that she does even know she did that , she never treated me different she cared about me , someone really cared Abt me , she took me out on my bday no one ever did that for me , and shes the only one in my college whom knows my correct bday , but she has a bf and she likes to keep boundary that's m understanding yet she calls me 2 am and talk for hours about pointless things she is a great friend but such type of things mess wid ur brain for her this wud like asking/talking to a friend but for me it creates that what if and do I have a chance , i too did many things for her which i never did fo anyone she likes coffe and tiramisu , I never baked for anyone although I'm good at baked her cookies my my first lot all for her make her a tiramisu (in hostel with literally no equipment that too fom scratch everything even the cheese were made from the milk o my farm) and many more things , but slowly got so attached to her that now she hurts me more than she helps me , but I can't just leave her I don't know I have already tried Ghosting her currently I have taken a long leave from college just to avoid her and it's not working sometimes I think to just go said it all , but she will defo say no and it wud literally kill me , I can't man , now thir thing my parents as much as I love them i hate them twice extra , they had the money at first place it was their dream to send me into a med school they cu have saved my precious years , they did not , they let me dwindle I was a fkin kid did not know anything they did not help , many things are their that made me hate them i hate them so much and yet love them man it's so conflict u can see the matter I am a conflicted man atp I just don't know who I am what I want , sometimes I just want to run away to new town and start afresh I don't know , my dad treat me like an investment they know by hook or by crook I will give him return on his investment he himself is a doctor he has buisness in his mind he is very scheming type of guy , my mother just she is just irrelevant atp i only want good health from them nothing more nothing less , and mind u my father is quite good in buisness and medicine (his field) has good money my mom works too we are quite well of financially yet they didn't help me , but then there is childhood trauma , I was ra*ed(by definition )and sexually assaulted as a kid and my dad still is in close contact with that guy he is property dealer and yes he knows that also led me to this ,”