I've been preparing for my college entrance exam. I have taken a gap year because I wanted to focus and give my everything and get into the best possible college but now I can't even get myself to study. It's actually embarrassing because most of the days,I wake up, sit in my room with the curtains drawn, pick up my books, stare at them for a while and then put them away and spend the entire day doing absolutely nothing except feeling sad and miserable when I have a future I'm supposed to be working towards.It's like there's this void in my chest which I know sounds ridiculously dramatic but I don't know how else to explain it. It's just there and every day, it feels like it's getting bigger like there is less and less room inside me to breathe except nothing is physically stopping me from breathing. It's not just that I don't feel like studying. I think something is genuinely wrong with the way my brain works lately.I can't remember things anymore, even the basic concepts i studied throughout high school. I used to know them so well that I could explain them to someone else without even opening my notes and now it's like I'm seeing them for the first time.I struggle with the most basic questions that should take me a few seconds to solve.It's almost like someone went into my head and deleted everything I've ever learned.I know forgetting things is normal and that's why i have to revise and I'm not expecting myself to remember every single thing I've ever studied but in simpler terms its like i have forgotten the ABCs of my course so if i need to revise those, then i might have to firget about going to college.I used to be a brilliant student and I'm not saying that to brag (i wasn't arrogant or anythingduring my prime phase). I just need you to understand the difference between who i was and what i have become. I was the student who could solve problems that even my teachers sometimes needed more than one attempt to figure out but now I can stare at a question for hours and wait for something to click but it doesn't. And it's sooo embarrassing that i am unable to do the very thing that once came naturally to me.Everyone who has known me my whole life still thinks I'm that brilliant student. They believe I'll crack the entrance exam, get into a good college and figure everything out because that's what I've always done but only I know how far behind I am and how much work there is to do.Everyone else seems to have my future figured out for me. They are talking about “after you getting in this or that college” while i am wondering whether I'll even get into a college at all. I tell myself I'll start properly tomorrow. I make plans, create schedules, imagine how productive I'm going to be and then somehow another day passes and then I feel guilty about wasting that day, so I spend the next one worrying about the previous one and then another day passes.It's a horrible cycle and I don't know how to get out of it. I feel like I've actually become incapable of doing this and also I've just become so afraid of failing that I can't even bring myself to try properly because what if I try my hardest and still fail, then what?!?! See I'm already planning how to explain a failure that hasn't even happened yet. I do that a lot, actually I think about the worst possible thing that could happen and then I spend so much time being afraid of it that I barely have any energy left to do something about it.It's not like it started this year, i have been feeling like this from past several years. Is there actually something wrong with me like depression, anxiety or maybe some other disorder? I sometimes read symptoms of these disorders and recognise myself a little too much in them but I know reading about symptoms isn't the same as getting diagnosed, so I can't say I have any of those things. I haven't told anyone because my mum was clinically depressed and I almost lost her to it.I don't think I've ever really talked about how frightening that was but all i felt during that time was helpless and useless so i don't ever want my family to go through a time like thaf again because of me. I've also heard that depression can run in families. I don't even know how much of that is true in my situation but the thought alone scares me because what if my mother blames herself for it.So I've decided I'll deal with it when I'm older and have my own money and can get diagnosed without anyone having to know. Also there is something else, actually that I haven't shared which involves an adult and me when I was 11 and 12. You can probably guess it. I have never told anyone about it because I didn't know what was happening until like a few years back. I don't know if that's why I feel the way I do now. I don't want to assume that everything I'm struggling with has one explanation. I just know that there's a part of my childhood I have never really talked about because I can't recall most of it and sometimes that scares me because what if I have forgotten something important. Also my life isn't all miserable. I have good friends like really good friends and I sometimes want to become like them beacuse when they are feeling like this, they will just pick up their phone and call me because I'm the one who listens and makes stupid jokes until they laugh.I like being that person but sometimes I want that person which is ironic because i'll never let anyone be that person for me.I used to isolate myself completely on my bad days and stop replying to messages and make excuses not to meet anyone but eventually, they started noticing and I didn't want to explain so now I can be sitting in my room, crying, feeling like absolute rubbish and someone will send me a meme and I'll send a voice note of me laughing(this sounds so emo and cringe). Honestly talking like this to a stranger is soo easier. I can't ever imagine talking like this to someone i know. And its not like i don't have anyone to talk to cause my brain never really shuts up.It's like there's this constant stream of thoughts running in the background even when I'm watching something or listening to music and whenever the background is silent, it gets louder ane reminds me of everything I haven't done and then I'll be lying in bed at night and thinking about my future and suddenly my mind has taken me ten years imagining my failure like i said.It's like my brain takes every fear I've ever had, puts them all in one room and tells me i have to sleep there. But I have found a way to deal with that actually.I find it embarrassing to admit but when i can't always fall asleep on my own I listen to those reassuring ASMR videos. I know how corny that sounds because it's literally a stranger who doesn't know me or my problems and can't promise me anything about my future but heyy I'll take those videos filled with ‘baby’ ‘sweet heart’ with loads of forehead kisses and tons of "everything is going to be ok" over my original thoughts anyday. I might bore you if I start talking about all of my problems (yes there are more) but it's all for today. Thank you for listening to me and if you have any advice about getting back into a study routine or just getting through a period when you don't feel like yourself, I'd genuinely appreciate it.
Again Thank you for listening to all of this.
Bye bye

Question

I've been preparing for my college entrance exam. I have taken a gap year because I wanted to focus and give my everything and get into the best possible college but now I can't even get myself to study. It's actually embarrassing because most of the days,I wake up, sit in my room with the curtains drawn, pick up my books, stare at them for a while and then put them away and spend the entire day doing absolutely nothing except feeling sad and miserable when I have a future I'm supposed to be working towards.It's like there's this void in my chest which I know sounds ridiculously dramatic but I don't know how else to explain it. It's just there and every day, it feels like it's getting bigger like there is less and less room inside me to breathe except nothing is physically stopping me from breathing. It's not just that I don't feel like studying. I think something is genuinely wrong with the way my brain works lately.I can't remember things anymore, even the basic concepts i studied throughout high school. I used to know them so well that I could explain them to someone else without even opening my notes and now it's like I'm seeing them for the first time.I struggle with the most basic questions that should take me a few seconds to solve.It's almost like someone went into my head and deleted everything I've ever learned.I know forgetting things is normal and that's why i have to revise and I'm not expecting myself to remember every single thing I've ever studied but in simpler terms its like i have forgotten the ABCs of my course so if i need to revise those, then i might have to firget about going to college.I used to be a brilliant student and I'm not saying that to brag (i wasn't arrogant or anythingduring my prime phase). I just need you to understand the difference between who i was and what i have become. I was the student who could solve problems that even my teachers sometimes needed more than one attempt to figure out but now I can stare at a question for hours and wait for something to click but it doesn't. And it's sooo embarrassing that i am unable to do the very thing that once came naturally to me.Everyone who has known me my whole life still thinks I'm that brilliant student. They believe I'll crack the entrance exam, get into a good college and figure everything out because that's what I've always done but only I know how far behind I am and how much work there is to do.Everyone else seems to have my future figured out for me. They are talking about “after you getting in this or that  college” while i am wondering whether I'll even get into a college at all. I tell myself I'll start properly tomorrow. I make plans, create schedules, imagine how productive I'm going to be and then somehow another day passes and then I feel guilty about wasting that day, so I spend the next one worrying about the previous one and then another day passes.It's a horrible cycle and I don't know how to get out of it. I feel like I've actually become incapable of doing this and also I've just become so afraid of failing that I can't even bring myself to try properly because what if I try my hardest and still fail, then what?!?! See I'm already planning how to explain a failure that hasn't even happened yet. I do that a lot, actually I think about the worst possible thing that could happen and then I spend so much time being afraid of it that I barely have any energy left to do something about it.It's not like it started this year, i have been feeling like this from past several years. Is there actually something wrong with me like depression, anxiety or maybe some other disorder? I sometimes read symptoms of these disorders and recognise myself a little too much in them but I know reading about symptoms isn't the same as getting diagnosed, so I can't say I have any of those things. I haven't told anyone because my mum was clinically depressed and I almost lost her to it.I don't think I've ever really talked about how frightening that was but all i felt during that time was helpless and useless so i don't ever want my family to go through a time like thaf again because of me. I've also heard that depression can run in families. I don't even know how much of that is true in my situation but the thought alone scares me because what if my mother blames herself for it.So I've decided I'll deal with it when I'm older and have my own money and can get diagnosed without anyone having to know. Also there is something else, actually that I haven't shared which involves an adult and me when I was 11 and 12. You can probably guess it. I have never told anyone about it because I didn't know what was happening until like a few years back. I don't know if that's why I feel the way I do now. I don't want to assume that everything I'm struggling with has one explanation. I just know that there's a part of my childhood I have never really talked about because I can't recall most of it and sometimes that scares me because what if I have forgotten something important. Also my life isn't all miserable. I have good friends like really good friends and I sometimes want to become like them beacuse when they are feeling like this, they will just pick up their phone and call me because I'm the one who listens and makes stupid jokes until they laugh.I like being that person but sometimes I want that person which is ironic because i'll never let anyone be that person for me.I used to isolate myself completely on my bad days and stop replying to messages and make excuses not to meet anyone but eventually, they started noticing and I didn't want to explain so now I can be sitting in my room, crying, feeling like absolute rubbish and someone will send me a meme and I'll send a voice note of me laughing(this sounds so emo and cringe). Honestly talking like this to a stranger is soo easier. I can't ever imagine talking like this to someone i know. And its not like i don't have anyone to talk to cause my brain never really shuts up.It's like there's this constant stream of thoughts running in the background even when I'm watching something or listening to music and whenever the background is silent, it gets louder ane reminds me of everything I haven't done and then I'll be lying in bed at night and thinking about my future and suddenly my mind has taken me ten years  imagining my failure like i said.It's like my brain takes every fear I've ever had, puts them all in one room and tells me i have to sleep there. But I have found a way to deal with that actually.I find it embarrassing to admit but when i can't always fall asleep on my own I listen to those reassuring ASMR videos. I know how corny that sounds because it's literally a stranger who doesn't know me or my problems and can't promise me anything about my future but heyy I'll take those videos filled with  ‘baby’ ‘sweet heart’ with loads of forehead kisses and tons of "everything is going to be ok" over my original thoughts anyday. I might bore you if I start talking about all of my problems (yes there are more) but it's all for today. Thank you for listening to me and if you have any advice about getting back into a study routine or just getting through a period when you don't feel like yourself, I'd genuinely appreciate it.
Again Thank you for listening to all of this.
Bye bye

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

I can relate a little. Only the studying part. 
I don't know the exact solution... 
Just that if you have backlogs and you feel like you're not where you should be and it feels like a burden... And every passing day the guild builds up even more.. 
Just take one day and don't study at all. Intentionally.
I know that will create that feeling of guilt for a moment but so many days have passed... Just one day. In this day, wherever you are.. hostel, home.. idk... Change your surroundings. Means, do everything differently. Get up early .. early means early. Like 5 am something go for a walk (or running exercise is even better), make sure you are in sunlight for at least 30 minutes.  Have a good breakfast... Not the usual one. Something different. Don't plan anything for whole day. If you like going somewhere alone.. (as you said you isolate yourself so I'm assuming you don't want to be with frnds) or doing something, or anything... Like yk something you don't do daily. And you like that thing. If you have just one person who you can spend time with.. call them and maybe being with them might help you. Basically, just one day where you are doing something different, not those everyday stuff of planning and not able to do that and guilt. Something different. Make sure the whole day you don't have to think about studies or what will people think what will happen in future. Just be present in the moment. It is a day for your own mental health for your own peace of mind. Now when you feel a little better( I bet you'll feel better)when you're at home... Where you're living, rearrange the entire room. Idk if it helps many people or not, but those I know it helps them.. and that is changing the arrangement of the room, where you study. 
But since your whole life is getting affected. Just change everything that you can. And start from something new. Interesting topic that you like. And don't plan the next day. Sleep early. Don't use instagram phone or any ai for your mental health. Just keep the phone aside and sleep. The next day, don't plan everything what you have to do today. Bcz I know it feels disappointing at the end of the day when you can't finish it even 50 percent. Just pick up any subject, have it in your mind that you have to do this chapter/ques till here. And do it.  Things will get better. Monitor your thoughts... And take someone's help. Even if there's one Friend who can help you in just one area of your life... Take that help. I've been the same person who pushes people away when things are not right... But thankfully there are people who would call me back to back until I don't share. And even when I don't they try to help me in studies. Idk it kind of brings me a little motivation. Open up to someone about the things you're struggling. And don't get into relationship stuff thinking that I'll have someone by my side to share things... It just adds more to the mental health downfall after few months.