it's going to be a long ass paragraph. so those who will read this, thank you alot for taking your time out and im grateful for any advice you're gonna give here.
so.. from the starting.
i was in an online relationship for over an year. march'25 onwards. we had our fights, insecurities and i was alot immature af but i love that boy with my whole heart.. time forward to january'26, my ex who lives around my area, started to disturb me after coming to know that im with someone. he was very toxic and i was naive while i was with him. he had my nudes and used to warn to put over the internet often. i was scared and anxious. he wanted to meet, to which i denied. but he had gotten my bf's id and used to trouble him and used to verbally abuse which affected our relationship.. so i took the decision of meeting him (which was my first mistake) he brought a car and told to sit inside, which again i did. he pulled me to kiss him and kissed me forcibly, and took me to eat something, and then to his brothers' house where i kicked him and came back. i cheated on my bf which i regret. it's funny cuz i took the decision even though i feel very pathetic. then on other hand, my bf also had some intimate moments with his cousin at a function.. which he told me after finding out about my story. then fast forward we broke up in august, a week before my bday. and he later went to have sex with someone from his family friend in sept. while i try to overcome all these but i yearn for him alot. he loves me too (he says so) and he also says we could start over. is it even possible to start over again after all these? i often find myself questioning about the things happened and i feel so freaking pathetic and disgusting. i just.. need that boy. but it wont be the same.

Question

it's going to be a long ass paragraph. so those who will read this, thank you alot for taking your time out and im grateful for any advice you're gonna give here.
so.. from the starting. 
i was in an online relationship for over an year. march'25 onwards. we had our fights, insecurities and i was alot immature af but i love that boy with my whole heart.. time forward to january'26, my ex who lives around my area, started to disturb me after coming to know that im with someone. he was very toxic and i was naive while i was with him. he had my nudes and used to warn to put over the internet often. i was scared and anxious. he wanted to meet, to which i denied. but he had gotten my bf's id and used to trouble him and used to verbally abuse which affected our relationship.. so i took the decision of meeting him (which was my first mistake) he brought a car and told to sit inside, which again i did. he pulled me to kiss him and kissed me forcibly, and took me to eat something, and then to his brothers' house where i kicked him and came back. i cheated on my bf which i regret. it's funny cuz i took the decision even though i feel very pathetic. then on other hand, my bf also had some intimate moments with his cousin at a function.. which he told me after finding out about my story. then fast forward we broke up in august, a week before my bday. and he later went to have sex with someone from his family friend in sept. while i try to overcome all these but i yearn for him alot. he loves me too (he says so) and he also says we could start over. is it even possible to start over again after all these? i often find myself questioning about the things happened and i feel so freaking pathetic and disgusting. i just.. need that boy. but it wont be the same.

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

sweetheart, i'll hold your hand while i say this. No. you can not. especially not now, if ever actually. 
let him go. let yourself grow.