Im in my gap year. I dont feel anything.. I performed avg in my 10th grad board exam. I performed average on my 12th grade board exams. I did not do well at all in my JEE examination (its a engineering college entrance exam in India) which is why I took a gap year in the first place but. I dont really know why I want to do engineering. I domt even know why I took the science steam its like I followed the...crowd. everyone after my 10th said science has scope. My parents were chill with me choosing anything so it's not like I was forced into science by my parents. No. I chose it even after knowing I performed badly in my 10th and knowing my math and science was and is terrible. So there's noone else but me to blame. And right now. After seeing and reading everything that's happening in the world and job market im starting to feel hopeless not just career wise but...even in life..I guess? Nothing feels like before. The festivals,the summers. Nothing. I know I should to better. That my parents deserve a better child. That i need to give back my parents something after everything they have given me but it's like I physically cant get up to study. All the concepts feel like they are talking in alien language. And I just feel like...why am I doing this I don't even like this in the first place. Everyone says do what you love find your passion I dont have any passion. I domt know I like to do. And passion and hobbies change over time. The current state of the world bothers me. The current state of me worries me. I know I can do better. I know im in my comfort zone and not putting any effort to break out of it. Studying math feels like climbing the Mt.everest with a weak mindset. I have everything. My parents provide everything. Food clothes wifi electronics everything. And I feel guilty for not even the one thing they ask/expect from me. So much so I think a hundred times to ask for what I want. Maybe im whining. Maybe im just being over dramatic. I dont know. I dont know anything about what I want to do or even what I am.

Question

Im in my gap year. I dont feel anything.. I performed avg in my 10th grad board exam. I performed average on my 12th grade board exams. I did not do well at all in my JEE examination (its a engineering college entrance exam in India) which is why I took a gap year in the first place but. I dont really know why I want to do engineering. I domt even know why I took the science steam its like I followed the...crowd. everyone after my 10th said science has scope. My parents were chill with me choosing anything so it's not like I was forced into science by my parents. No. I chose it even after knowing I performed badly in my 10th and knowing my math and science was and is terrible. So there's noone else but me to blame. And right now. After seeing and reading everything that's happening in the world and job market im starting to feel hopeless not just career wise but...even in life..I guess? Nothing feels like before. The festivals,the summers. Nothing. I know I should to better. That my parents deserve a better child. That i need to give back my parents something after everything they have given me but it's like I physically cant get up to study. All the concepts feel like they are talking in alien language. And I just feel like...why am I doing this I don't even like this in the first place. Everyone says do what you love find your passion I dont have any passion. I domt know I like to do. And passion and hobbies change over time. The current state of the world bothers me. The current state of me worries me. I know I can do better. I know im in my comfort zone and not putting any effort to break out of it. Studying math feels like climbing the Mt.everest with a weak mindset. I have everything. My parents provide everything. Food clothes wifi electronics everything. And I feel guilty for not even the one thing they ask/expect from me.  So much so I think a hundred times to ask for what I want. Maybe im whining. Maybe im just being over dramatic. I dont know. I dont know anything about what I want to do or even what I am.

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Hello I am also currently preparing for jee and I feel you to the core. The thing you wrote is the mental breakdown I also have like the same damn things . And uk my father is a jee maths teacher so it's like from childhood my goal has been made jee and I don't even know why I want that uk so I can just hope and I can't even fathom bad marks thinking that I will let down my parents cause they do everything for me . It's like me vs me and uk this is a shitty situation for people like us . We just need to motivate ourselves or pray for a future that we really want cause what else can we do. Work hard right :) 
And uk my father put me into dummy school and coaching in 8th grade so I so regret not having a normal childhood so I just keep daydreaming about a future that will be truly mine . So figuring out ourselve is the thing we can do in future. Right now we can just focus to tackle this obstacle. Ik you can do it  and ik you will all the best :)