I'm currently 19 years old, with typical middle class Indian family. My relationship with my dad used to be so much strong since childhood, but then when I entered High school, he seems to change, got into toxic traditional mentality and now we fight too much verbally, fights where he wouldn't even look or tak to me for two or three months, where randomly everything will go back to normal then again fight, today I got into fight with him because he was trying to control me and my sisters to not use tinted lip balms, he questions on our character often indirectly, this build up made me angry and frustrated that we argued and then he slapped me across my face, reminding me again that I'm not earning yet, so I can't raise my opinions against him. I'm a open minded girl and he used to be open minded too, but lately he had always started to get influenced by his surroundings toxic people's and take out on our family verbally, harshly and when someone point out his ego and behavior he yelled in anger and comes to slap... I often got saved by my mom and my younger sisters... today was a good day, we thought of doing diwali shopping for clothes, Me, my sister and he went to buy clothes, I loved those clothes... then we came home, enjoyed food, then the argument on lip balm happened and I tried to explain it to him that it's for sun protection and it's just tinted one, nothing else, we do study alot, this lip balm wouldn't make us distracted from our studies... we were even thinking of ordering hair serum for me and my youngest sister's hair, because we've been facing alot of hair falls... but he thought we're getting out of hands and focusing on makeup things... Now about the clothes which I had bought, during argument after his words on earning, I told him I'll not wear those clothes, Even though I had already used some of the money on my educational books and tried to save few amount of money for further uses, my mom insist on buying clothes for myself... but now I'm not going to wear them, the money was given by my Mom's brother to as a gift, everyone bought clothes but I needed books for my self education, so I used those money... today during argument after my refusal he said these clothes came from that gifted money, but I denied and said I had already made myself clear to mom... And I'm also not doing college, but just 12th passed out... my dad is a driver, my mom is house wife... I've already joined a company and are on training period to learn things... they know it all, my mom is supportive... but my dad is getting toxic... What should I do? Should I wear those clothes or not? Because I was thinking I shouldn't expect much from my dad other than just basic survival things... even if I buy the new clothes, or eat something other than homemade by his money... it keeps making me feel ashamed and guilty because he always brings out how I'm living on his money and his mercy....

Question

I'm currently 19 years old, with typical middle class Indian family. My relationship with my dad used to be so much strong since childhood, but then when I entered High school, he seems to change, got into toxic traditional mentality and now we fight too much verbally, fights where he wouldn't even look or tak to me for two or three months, where randomly everything will go back to normal then again fight, today I got into fight with him because he was trying to control me and my sisters to not use tinted lip balms, he questions on our character often indirectly, this build up made me angry and frustrated that we argued and then he slapped me across my face, reminding me again that I'm not earning yet, so I can't raise my opinions against him. I'm a open minded girl and he used to be open minded too, but lately he had always started to get influenced by his surroundings toxic people's and take out on our family verbally, harshly and when someone point out his ego and behavior he yelled in anger and comes to slap... I often got saved by my mom and my younger sisters... today was a good day, we thought of doing diwali shopping for clothes, Me, my sister and he went to buy clothes, I loved those clothes... then we came home, enjoyed food, then the argument on lip balm happened and I tried to explain it to him that it's for sun protection and it's just tinted one, nothing else, we do study alot, this lip balm wouldn't make us distracted from our studies... we were even thinking of ordering hair serum for me and my youngest sister's hair, because we've been facing alot of hair falls... but he thought we're getting out of hands and focusing on makeup things... Now about the clothes which I had bought, during argument after his words on earning, I told him I'll not wear those clothes, Even though I had already used some of the money on my educational books and tried to save few amount of money for further uses, my mom insist on buying clothes for myself... but now I'm not going to wear them, the money was given by my Mom's brother to as a gift, everyone bought clothes but I needed books for my self education, so I used those money... today during argument after my refusal he said these clothes came from that gifted money, but I denied and said I had already made myself clear to mom... And I'm also not doing college, but just 12th passed out... my dad is a driver, my mom is house wife...  I've already joined a company and are on training period to learn things... they know it all, my mom is supportive... but my dad is getting toxic... What should I do? Should I wear those clothes or not? Because I was thinking I shouldn't expect much from my dad other than just basic survival things... even if I buy the new clothes, or eat something other than homemade by his money... it keeps making me feel ashamed and guilty because he always brings out how I'm living on his money and his mercy....

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Hi! I’m so sorry you’re going through this, you don’t deserve this harsh treatment from your father, you deserve love and affection instead of hiding from him i hope one day you will be able to sit and discuss life in a calm way!

The issue seems more than just diwali clothes, i strongly encourage you to save up any amount you can and pursue your education further and move out of the house but that doesn’t mean to disconnect with your family! You can love your father but from a far distance where you can wear your diwali clothes, buy hair serum and even apply lip balm without guilt.

I hope things get easier for you and i hope you realize its not your fault, parents usually try to control kids at a young age in order to stop them from turning into a rebel but they don’t understand a kid needs a friendly prent after certain age and not to live in dictatorship or terror!

You seem strong and wise, just don’t let him get to you because after a certain age you will realize you are your own individual person who can make any independent decisions!