“I really don't know what I'm doing with my life right now like there is this somebody I used to study during May June for reneet in the library and I actually was at my lowest point that it actually started feeling good to have a company to have somebody to have this motivation to come to the library everyday and I used to go before he could reach there and idk when all of this turned into everything about him like literally he was controlling my emotions the days he left early really saddened me and he left the library 3 days prior to our exams so there were days where I had to go alone and he wasn't there and I could feel the emptiness idk how somebody could matter so much in such little time and Convo like we used to say hey and bye everyday and ask why we're leaving early I think that's the most Convo we had and a few times outside where too I pushed him to talk let's go out and not disturb people he never wanted that but whatever we didn't even talk much I asked for his socials and I had asked him to grab a coffee or something like get out and hangout to know him more and he has rejected my plan thrice I kept giving it the benefit of doubt but 3 times was very evident so I stopped teaching out cut to we both took drops and I was very lonely and curious and idk I just felt like everything can't die so early if God brought him in my life there might be a person so in susgit I reached out I asked him and found out he's in kota preparing from there it was kind of disheartening for me cause I took a drop from home and I was hoping I'd have that study partner again who'd unconsciously push me but great it didn't happen but after that like ever since I texted him in August we had regular convos all of it was surface level he was finally opening up but my phone battery died his friends mocking me? Or him idk they dmed me they are referring me as "bhabhi" when tbh we aren't even proper friends and I've probably opened up twice to him and that one time he was opening up but after that he never continued and tho I tried pushing it didn't happen it's like I'm the only one putting in efforts and till a point I think he knows I want to take it more than it is and he keeps pushing it back more brushing it off and shit he told me he went through a breakup in June a 2 year relationship could be the reason for his behaviour but after Navratri like 20th October I deactivated my Instagram and we are added on snap he did not try reaching out to me or anything it's November now and it's pretty evident that it was only me who was putting all the efforts and I kind of feel dumb for it but I deeply wanted this to work and he came home for navratri but never asked me to meet him I took the initiative yet again to ask only for him to reply "one day" I left him on seen but after a day we had a Convo and I asked him wdym one day and then finally he explained himself and said when he'll be home for diwali which is in 8 days from today and he said he'll come back home on the 2nd so he probably will be back in my hometown tomorrow but we're basically I'm no contact except he is the one wanting it and I'm no longer pushing it I did break it tho on 25th Oct he had a all India mock test so I wished him all the best to which he just replied thanks and no follow up ahh anyways I really don't get why it really bothers me but for once I want something with a boy to workout idk I should just study but it is so hard when all of this shit is bothering you and there is this feeling of unfulfillment it keeps poking you and hurting you and when you're at your lowest it just worsens and I become this totally different desperate person I absolutely do not identify myself as. And also I saw that he was talking to this other girl too idk I don't wanna overthink it but he is the only guy I was talking to that's my problem I'm very loyal to my talking stages too whether or not they've earned it.”