“I know I'm ugly. I don't need to be convinced I'm a beautiful woman. Because I know I'm not. There's nothing flattering about me, nothing extraordinary, and nothing normal even worthy of praise. I've always convinced myself I would have no need for a companion either way mostly due to seeing how many relationships have formed in my circle. They were unhealthy, toxic, and everywhere I looked it seemed bleak, painful, devoid of compassion and kindness. But once, there could have been a spark of passion, love and understanding. It's a shame all I see are the parts that haunt me. I find the thought disgusting, to be cast aside, to have never truly been loved or cared for. Women far more deserving in life than I have suffered so much heartache. So I say, I'm uninterested in relationships. I find them a waste of time. It's true. A part of it is, but is it also because I know I'm undeserving of it? Better yet, I know no one would ever go for me? So am I saving myself the heartbreak? I don't really know what I'm saying. I know I'm not making much sense either. I just, I think I want to know what it's like to love and be loved, but I know the process of that is grueling, disgusting and painful. And that I would never be anyone's choice let alone the first. Do I have to be skinny, smart and athletic? Do I have to be feminine, sweet and pure? Or should I try to make a fool of myself by shooting my shots to... who? Some dating app disguised as a quick hookup app? Take pictures in what clothing or what interesting activity for people to deduce what I'm into but scroll because the way I speak or look harshes their vibe?”
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Someone answered with kindness...
I can't help you, but I can offer that you red the bible, Jesus has a purpose and a plan for all, even those who have given up on themselves.