I just want to die. I'm trying to live thinking it'll work out somehow but it's so damn hard. I turned 21 years old this year. My parents are toxic, abusive, misogynyc, patriarchal, anti girl child person, i suffered since childhood, it's still same now, it's been a year i graduated, now they are forcing me for marriage, i wanted to get a job after graduation and leave my hometown as soon as I can but it seems it's opposite right now, i didn't get any. My parents don't really like girl child, they didn't even allowed me to go to college but I took a big education loan from a bank and completed my degree, now the loan repayment stated this month and i don't have the money to pay for it every month, i drained the life out of me trying to get a job but i don't think I'm that capable. because of suppressing my feelings emotions and anger since childhood it costs me to loose my memories. I've a younger brother, he is 20 years old and he is same as my parents and always mocks me, try to find any problem so he can blame me and let me get beaten up by my parents. I don't have any friends or anyone whom I can rely on , because of my extreme introvert personality people feel distant from me. A boy from my college proposed me when i was 19 in my 2nd year. I didn't had any dating knowledge or relationship before but he said he really like me so i accepted it, we just used to meet in college class break and talked many times in a day in chats or shared reels but he after 8 months he cheated on me with one of my junior. When I get to know this somehow and asked him, he told me i didn't give him permission to be physical with me, that's why he cheated on me. I never faced him again since then. My mental condition was worsening, I tried to get therapy but my therapist told me I'm too self aware about my situation so he can't do anything about it. I used to write dieries so i don't have to suppress anything just write it down to feel a little good but my parents found and read it, they burned it. Now I just write a little in my notes app in my phone like little poems , song lyrics by myself. I stay home all day. I don't know what to do with myself anymore, no matter wherever i see, i see only desert, it shallowed me whole. people say 'There's always a way and it takes time' but it doesn't seems like that for me. There's nothing i didn't tried to do , there's no way left. I don't really need words of affection or advice or sympathy. I found out about this website in instagram few hours ago.
So I'm just leaving this message here as a hope.
I'm giving myself one more month, If i survive, I'll come after a month here to answer myself that 'You did it, where there is hope, there's always trials, there's always a way' but if i don't, just know i tried my all, i would be really happy if someone actually remembers me.

Question

I just want to die. I'm trying to live thinking it'll work out somehow but it's so damn hard. I turned 21 years old this year. My parents are toxic, abusive, misogynyc, patriarchal, anti girl child person, i suffered since childhood, it's still same now, it's been a year i graduated, now they are forcing me for marriage, i wanted to get a job after graduation and leave my hometown as soon as I can but it seems it's opposite right now, i didn't get any. My parents don't really like girl child, they didn't even allowed me to go to college but I took a big education loan from a bank and completed my degree, now the loan repayment stated this month and i don't have the money to pay for it every month, i drained the life out of me trying to get a job but i don't think I'm that capable. because of suppressing my feelings emotions and anger since childhood it costs me to loose my memories. I've a younger brother, he is 20 years old and he is same as my parents and always mocks me, try to find any problem so he can blame me and let me get beaten up by my parents. I don't have any friends or anyone whom I can rely on , because of my extreme introvert personality people feel distant from me.  A boy from my college proposed me when i was 19 in my 2nd year. I didn't had any dating knowledge or relationship before but he said he really like me so i accepted it, we just used to meet in college class break and talked many times in a day in chats or shared reels but he after 8 months he cheated on me with one of my junior. When I get to know this somehow and asked him, he told me i didn't give him permission to be physical with me, that's why he cheated on me. I never faced him again since then. My mental condition was worsening, I tried to get therapy but my therapist told me I'm too self aware about my situation so he can't do anything about it. I used to write dieries so i don't have to suppress anything just write it down to feel a little good but my parents found and read it, they burned it.  Now I just write a little in my notes app in my phone like little poems , song lyrics by myself. I stay home all day. I don't know what to do with myself anymore, no matter wherever i see, i see only desert, it shallowed me whole. people say 'There's always a way and it takes time' but it doesn't seems like that for me. There's nothing i didn't tried to do , there's no way left. I don't really need words of affection or advice or sympathy. I found out about this website in instagram few hours ago. 
So I'm just leaving this message here as a hope. 
 I'm giving myself one more month, If i survive, I'll come after a month here to answer myself that 'You did it, where there is hope, there's always trials, there's always a way' but if i don't, just know i tried my all, i would be really happy if someone actually remembers me.

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Hey, don't say something like that. It's even horrible to think of doing self-harm. I am also of same age as yours. And honestly, about your parents and brother, it is shame that they treat you like this.  And there nothing extra you can do to change their mindset but all you can do is take care of yourself. Not for others, but for your own self. About the loan, it is something that should put me into pressure too if I was at your place but don't let it pressurise you. I know, your parents won't allow you do job outside, that's what I feel. But you can apply for remote jobs. Don't tell them, there are so many good things to happen, don't just give up yet. And forget about that boy, it may be hard, but he doesn't deserve you. Currently, your mental health is important, get some rest, ignore your mocking family, start applying for a job. I pray that soon you will find way out of this, repay your loan. You deserve better and you will, just don't think about doing anything risky and stupid okay.