I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a few years now. I was managing quite well until COVID, but once I was trapped at home my condition worsened rapidly. My parents don't believe in mental illnesses and found the whole thing shameful, so I couldn't get help until I was in a truly awful state and they couldn't pretend nothing was happening anymore.
But I feel like I've become such a different person since then, and can't go back no matter how much I try. I love physics. I have since I was like 12. I used to read pop science, enjoy watching physics educational videos, love solving problems, etc. When I got into undergrad and struggled with physics courses, I found the learning process incredibly fun and rewarding. I was surrounded by like-minded friends and would talk about my insights all day. My life of course had other things in it, but this is what I miss the most.
Now I'm a graduate student in physics and I can confidently say I know less than I did as an undergrad. Not in a Dunning Kruger way but just because I've become incredibly incompetent. I used gen ai to get by, barely clear courses, don't attend/listen to seminars, don't read current research, etc. My relationship with my previous advisor was also awful because of how poor my work was. My thesis is mostly ai generated (the work isn't, thankfully) so I'm incredibly ashamed to show it to my old friends when they reach out and ask me how I'm doing.

I feel especially ashamed when I see people who started at the same starting line as me, some who even used to learn physics from me or got the interest because of me, pursuing a PhD now. They're doing such a good job, they know their field, they are thriving. I am not jealous, I just feel scared when I talk to them. I'm scared they'll be disappointed in me because of how little I know about my own field, so I've been avoiding most of them. I only talk to non-physics friends, but even then I feel incredibly ashamed every time they praise me to others for pursuing a "difficult stream".

Once my mental health got marginally better I couldn't get help anymore, and my progress has been non linear. I'm currently unmedicated, recently diagnosed with adhd as well, and struggling with everything. I'll be joining a new position as an RA soon. I'm in the perfect place to prepare for it, learn and study, because I have enough time and leisure at the moment. But I'm just constantly procrastinating and avoiding things because I feel like it's too late, I don't remember or understand anything anymore. Everytime I restart from the basics (I've tried many times over the years) I give up because it makes me so sad, stressed and ashamed. I keep clinging on to it because on the one odd days I do it properly I still love it. I want to get better but subconsciously I don't want to try because it's easier to say "I didn't put in effort" than admit I'm not very smart. I really don't want to waste the one month I have before I start the job, how do I fix things? I don't want to lose my job during probation because of how little I know/how insincere my work is.

Question

I have struggled with depression and anxiety for a few years now. I was managing quite well until COVID, but once I was trapped at home my condition worsened rapidly. My parents don't believe in mental illnesses and found the whole thing shameful, so I couldn't get help until I was in a truly awful state and they couldn't pretend nothing was happening anymore. 
But I feel like I've become such a different person since then, and can't go back no matter how much I try. I love physics. I have since I was like 12. I used to read pop science, enjoy watching physics educational videos, love solving problems, etc. When I got into undergrad and struggled with physics courses, I found the learning process incredibly fun and rewarding. I was surrounded by like-minded friends and would talk about my insights all day. My life of course had other things in it, but this is what I miss the most. 
Now I'm a graduate student in physics and I can confidently say I know less than I did as an undergrad. Not in a Dunning Kruger way but just because I've become incredibly incompetent. I used gen ai to get by, barely clear courses, don't attend/listen to seminars, don't read current research, etc. My relationship with my previous advisor was also awful because of how poor my work was. My thesis is mostly ai generated (the work isn't, thankfully) so I'm incredibly ashamed to show it to my old friends when they reach out and ask me how I'm doing.

I feel especially ashamed when I see people who started at the same starting line as me, some who even used to learn physics from me or got the interest because of me, pursuing a PhD now. They're doing such a good job, they know their field, they are thriving. I am not jealous, I just feel scared when I talk to them. I'm scared they'll be disappointed in me because of how little I know about my own field, so I've been avoiding most of them. I only talk to non-physics friends, but even then I feel incredibly ashamed every time they praise me to others for pursuing a "difficult stream".

Once my mental health got marginally better I couldn't get help anymore, and my progress has been non linear. I'm currently unmedicated, recently diagnosed with adhd as well, and struggling with everything. I'll be joining a new position as an RA soon. I'm in the perfect place to prepare for it, learn and study, because I have enough time and leisure at the moment. But I'm just constantly procrastinating and avoiding things because I feel like it's too late, I don't remember or understand anything anymore. Everytime I restart from the basics (I've tried many times over the years) I give up because it makes me so sad, stressed and ashamed. I keep clinging on to it because on the one odd days I do it properly I still love it. I want to get better but subconsciously I don't want to try because it's easier to say "I didn't put in effort" than admit I'm not very smart. I really don't want to waste the one month I have before I start the job, how do I fix things? I don't want to lose my job during probation because of how little I know/how insincere my work is.

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Your own thinking is killing you inside. If you just think you can't do anything now then you really can't do anything. Be strong minded, you know yourself better. If you really have interest in this job then try to pursue it through the end. Whatever it takes, just do it or you will really regret. Past is past, don't stress over it. You can't do anything about that just focus on the present. Work hard and soul to recover your study gaps. Hope you will find peace soon🍀