I have a friend who's extremely close to me. We've shared a lot of memories, inside jokes and experiences, and this friendship genuinely means a lot to me. Recently, I even spent around 3–4 hours writing her a four-page handwritten letter expressing how much I value our friendship.

The issue started when she invited me to her house for Diwali, and I agreed to go. However, she later mentioned that another friend of hers, Zara, would also be coming and that there would be a lot of people around. She knows I'm introverted and can feel awkward around people I barely know, so she said she didn't want me to feel uncomfortable. She told me she'd let me know whether I should come.

Eventually, she told me not to come on Diwali because she thought I'd feel awkward, and we'd already planned to meet another day.

I assumed the same applied to Zara, but later I found out that Zara had actually visited her house on Diwali.

When I questioned her about it, she explained that Zara had insisted on coming despite knowing there would be guests, whereas I hadn't explicitly insisted that I wanted to visit. She also said she didn't want to invite me over only to leave me alone while she entertained her cousins. She genuinely believes she was considering my comfort and didn't have any negative intentions.

I understand her reasoning to some extent, but what hurt me was that she made the decision on my behalf instead of letting me decide whether I was comfortable coming. I had already accepted her invitation, so I didn't think I needed to convince her that I wanted to be there.

What hurt even more was when she said that I wouldn't be able to socialise with her cousins anyway and would probably sit alone in a corner. It made me feel like she sees my introversion as some kind of limitation.

I don't think she necessarily intended to exclude me, but the difference in how the situation played out with Zara made me feel unwanted and less important.

I think what hurts most is that I put so much emotional effort into this friendship, and now I'm questioning whether I'm as valued as I thought I was. I was so hurt that I tore up the four-page letter I'd written for her.

I'm not saying she's a bad friend or that she's entirely wrong. I just feel disappointed, misunderstood and a little embarrassed about how much emotional importance I've given this friendship.

Question

I have a friend who's extremely close to me. We've shared a lot of memories, inside jokes and experiences, and this friendship genuinely means a lot to me. Recently, I even spent around 3–4 hours writing her a four-page handwritten letter expressing how much I value our friendship.

The issue started when she invited me to her house for Diwali, and I agreed to go. However, she later mentioned that another friend of hers, Zara, would also be coming and that there would be a lot of people around. She knows I'm introverted and can feel awkward around people I barely know, so she said she didn't want me to feel uncomfortable. She told me she'd let me know whether I should come.

Eventually, she told me not to come on Diwali because she thought I'd feel awkward, and we'd already planned to meet another day.

I assumed the same applied to Zara, but later I found out that Zara had actually visited her house on Diwali.

When I questioned her about it, she explained that Zara had insisted on coming despite knowing there would be guests, whereas I hadn't explicitly insisted that I wanted to visit. She also said she didn't want to invite me over only to leave me alone while she entertained her cousins. She genuinely believes she was considering my comfort and didn't have any negative intentions.

I understand her reasoning to some extent, but what hurt me was that she made the decision on my behalf instead of letting me decide whether I was comfortable coming. I had already accepted her invitation, so I didn't think I needed to convince her that I wanted to be there.

What hurt even more was when she said that I wouldn't be able to socialise with her cousins anyway and would probably sit alone in a corner. It made me feel like she sees my introversion as some kind of limitation.

I don't think she necessarily intended to exclude me, but the difference in how the situation played out with Zara made me feel unwanted and less important.

I think what hurts most is that I put so much emotional effort into this friendship, and now I'm questioning whether I'm as valued as I thought I was. I was so hurt that I tore up the four-page letter I'd written for her.

I'm not saying she's a bad friend or that she's entirely wrong. I just feel disappointed, misunderstood and a little embarrassed about how much emotional importance I've given this friendship.

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Honestly, I think it's a misunderstanding on both ends. You guys should just sit together and resolve it. Let her know that she should not take decisions for you. Also you should not stop loving and caring for someone just because they don't put back the effort. I personally think that if you care for someone then do it without expecting anything in return. No matter what she does, you should not change just because she hurt you. I'm not saying that you should keep on loving and caring for someone even if they completely ruin your mental health but upto a certain point. After that, just treat them how they treat you. If it's the first time then let it slide. Just let her know that being introvert is something you can't control and if you are truly my friend then you'll choose to hangout/spend time with me.