I feel numb and emotionless sometimes, and when people want to approach me, I seem too cold but I actually just feel deeply misunderstood because of the mental pressure and torture that i go through at home and even at school. I struggle to express my feelings and I can't seem to find out what is really wrong with me. This distant and aloof nature of mine has ruined so many potential friendships and relationships of mine. I take too much time to process my feelings. Sometimes I feel like wanting to end it all. But I can't escape. I face mental torture and pressure from studies, peers and parents everywhere. Nowhere I go gets me peace. My talents always go unrecognised. I just can't seem to enjoy myself anymore or the little moments or any festive occasions and seasons. I'm genuinely lost. I have even lost hope for my career. And perhaps this is the last stage of depression that I've been battling for years. I have tried to laugh it out, harm myself or end myself multiple times and looked for solutions online, but I'm too broke to pay for therapy or even if I could, I don't want my parents to know how much suffering I am going through, I am too reluctant to talk it out with a friend, and I definitely can't judge my parents because somehow the conversation always shifts to blaming me. What the fuck do I do? I'm going to become a madwoman. Even my current committed relationship with my boyfriend is suffering due to my negligence and avoidant nature. I really want to fix this and I have battling depression for almost 4 years and still can't find a solution. Please help me.

Question

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

hey! 
i feel really sorry for what things have happened tragically turn on you. well i can try to understand how it feels to have no one understand your talent and no it’s not unappreciated in your eyes.
i’d like you to atleast open up how it feels in your head your heart atleast through writing it out and then burning it out and crying your eyes out on it. and no you are not at all a madwoman. it just want to be understood by people who matter to you.. please choose atleast one person , be it your own friend or boyfriend that you are going through this and it’s eating you out.
you are a wounded warrior , but doesn’t mean all your battles would go unsung.
you’re stronger than all of these things you’re going through , and i hope
life treats you well and feel like a warm hug on a winter evening. i
hope once you get good financial help , you can actually seek out for good mental health services. 
no matter how monotonous and mundane it feels , don’t let the depression get over you. try to atleast talk it out your bf , and if you don’t like to
speak
write it out but just don’t suppress it. avoiding it would make it tougher for you.
i hope you this helped , you’re stronger person already for speaking up for all of this. just keep swimming no matter how far the shore looks away from. and do not stop
pursuing your hobbies or things which you like to
do so and still feel
unappreciated for. they are beautiful either ways and you are doing it for your own self. 
i believe in yourself. fighting!!!