“I dont understand myself, I'm insecure, easily mad/short tempered, do or say things that I don't agree with, I don't aim big but I don't wanna stay small either, I like to be in a safe space but also do risky stuff all the time, I don't really have any moral beliefs that I truly hold onto except that I wouldn't take another life unless needed and that's literally the only thing I wouldn't do, there are things I do not agree with but depending on situation I act in ways I don't even imagine or think, there was this one time when my grandpa died but i wasn't that sad yet I tried to convince myself I am, that I miss him but if I truly accept what I actually feel I find it calming, not suffocating or disgusting though I understand it's not okay or normal, I'm not some kind of psychopath that likes seeing others hurt or likes getting hurt, I'm very aware I'm not normal but I'm not mentally insane either, I can keep myself together when needed but at the same time I feel lost I don't understand what I truly feel, I feel like I've faked a personality for so long that it's slowly melting into who I truly am and I find it suffocating as there is no place for me to vent either, I don't feel angry or sad, just suffocating and disgusted, I lnow that”
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Someone answered with kindness...
i faked a personality because i was scared of being inconsistant. i thought it was me, and it was close, but there were additions from mimicing people around me and omissions from what i thought was unaaceptable to feel. over the last ~3 years, ive slowly loosened my grip on trying to be consistant. my mind is also not normal or okay.
i think accepting your feelings but not voicing them in general would be helpful for you. you shouldnt take medical advice on the internet, but my perspective on this is you might be plural or you might not have many morals and be making a heroic version of yourself to make up for it.
if it makes you feel any better, i relate to about 75% of what you said.