i can’t send it to my ex so i’ll just type it in here “ i want to hate you today and every possible day that comes from this moment on so i can move forward with my life. i want to hate everything about you today. i hate your voice that said my name for the first and last time. i hate curly hair of yours. i hate that when we held hands they fit perfectly with each other making me sleepy while watching movie. i hate that you called me sunshine. i hate that you slept on calls because it made you comfortable to sleep with me present virtually. i hate that you were cold to me while i just begged you to call me once. i hate that you texted me ,”idk who to share it with” on 19th of october when you yourself were in misery but chose to ignore mine when i begged. i hate that i died that day and you’re alive like a newborn baby. i hate that you’re the first when i wake up and last thing when i sleep. i hate that you won’t leave me alone even in my dreams. i hate your girl bestfriend. i hate that she influences you on your decisions. i hate your ego, i hate your pride, i hate your arrogance. i hate that you cheated on me. i hate that you gave up on us so easily and didn’t want to try again. i hate that you cried that day. i hate that you were sad. i hate that i wasn’t there to wipe your tears and hug you and caress you. i hate that i couldn’t celebrate your birthday. i hate that we didn’t meet this month when i was preparing whole heartedly to meet you. i would’ve said all these things to you, this note and the previous one and the note before that but you just don’t care. you probably won’t even read it and just block me. i wonder where the guy i liked went. i wonder what happened that you turned yourself into such a cold-hearted guy as if you were a stranger all along. i think about you too much, more than i admit to myself. there are days when i celebrate victories of not thinking about you for 5 minutes straight. why won’t you leave me alone? i don’t need you, i never did. i didn’t need you then, i don’t need you now. then why? why has all this misery fallen upon me? i hate it. i hate everything. why can’t i fucking laugh with whole my heart without faking it? why do i feel so fucking empty and you’re just there with your friends and stuff, probably new girls as-well, living your life? why can’t i do that too? this all makes me angry, it makes me furious. i want to run upto all the people i’ve left behind and scream at them and ask them questions but i don’t know what i’m going to ask. i don’t want answers for questions that i already know of. even after writing all of this, i can’t get myself to hate you, and it is pathetic. i hate myself for not hating you. you’d never know how it felt this whole time. i’ve spent all these years, all my childhood, my teen and now this adulthood or whatever waiting for someone or something to love me, to stay but each time it turns into a lesson. i don’t need lesson, i don’t need more loses. i just want to be loved, desperately. i have so much to give, and i do give a lot but why does it always end up in me losing someone. my friends, my sister and you. how much more loses do i have to endure? i’m not this weak, i’ve seen it all, so much of it. bullying, loneliness, depression, amazing friendships, toxic friendships, popularity, abuse-physical and emotional, sexual assault, memory loss, years of therapy where they’d look at me as if i’m something to be pitied at. it made me sick, someone looking at me like i’m the weakest person they’ve ever met. i hated taking medications but people thought i was seeking attention by taking them. i have scars on my wrist, i couldn’t take it anymore then, but people mistake it for something i did to seek attention and validation. they think i did this because i loved someone too much and they left me. well i guess it’s partly true. i loved my parents but they were the one who became reason for my therapy. neet exam, strange remarks from
people, and what not. so yes, i did love people too much and it cost me something. it wasn’t a singular person, but plural, and i hate that you’re a part of that crowd now. i wanted to tell you things, i wanted to hear things from you but you changed into something particularly strange. someone unknown to me. in the present, there’s no end, life goes on, and so will i. it would’ve been easier for me if my hope just died but for some reason i can’t feel anything but hope. i don’t know if it saves me or kills me but i wake up everyday with hope. of what? i don’t know myself. i guess, you’d have to kill me, with my body, soul and everything left, to kill the hope in me. till then, i move. x”

Question

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

kya hi bolu ab..batao yaaar aisa kyu hi krte h bnde and ab iski wjh se to tumhari to life hi bikhr si gai h lgra..
be strong yaar ,khyaal rkhna , i know you are a kind soul..