I am struggling with my marriage, and I honestly don't know whether I should stay or leave. He is a genuinely good person, which makes this so much harder. If he were a bad husband or someone who treated me poorly, perhaps the decision would be easier. But he is kind, calm, and caring in many ways. The problem is that I don't feel wanted by him, particularly sexually.

We rarely have sex. In fact, we haven't had sex at all this year. If I look at the last four years, we might have been intimate in some basic way perhaps four times in total. I constantly feel like I am begging for intimacy, and I am exhausted by it. He kisses me sometimes and often tells me he loves me, but I don't feel that he genuinely desires me. I don't feel sexually wanted, pursued, or even missed in that way. I want to feel like my husband actually craves me, not like intimacy is something he occasionally does because I ask for it.

I started gaining weight during the second year of our marriage, and ever since, I've convinced myself that my weight is the reason for our lack of intimacy. I know my weight gain has been significant, and I understand that it could be a factor. But during our fourth and fifth years of marriage, I managed to lose some weight twice. I wasn't back to my old self, but I was noticeably smaller. Yet nothing changed. He still didn't initiate anything or make me feel physically desired. I keep wondering whether my weight is the problem, but I also wonder how long I can keep blaming myself for something that has gone on for so many years.

When we got married through an arranged marriage, I was quite attractive and had plenty of men interested in pursuing me. I had consciously saved myself for the person I would eventually marry. I thought I was saving that part of myself for my husband, for someone with whom I could experience that kind of intimacy and connection. And now, somehow, I am in a marriage where I feel sexually unwanted.

He is, in many ways, exactly the kind of man I thought I needed. As the eldest daughter, I have spent much of my life being responsible, looking after others, and carrying things on my shoulders. I thought I needed someone calm, kind, and stable. And he is all those things. But I am beginning to question whether being a good person and being a compatible life partner are necessarily the same thing.

There is also the history of everything we've been through together. When we got married, he had very little money and a fairly basic job. The financial situation wasn't as clear to me as I would have liked when we were going through the arranged marriage process. Then came COVID, followed by two years of studying and other financial struggles. I stood beside him through all of it. I supported him, encouraged him, and was his pillar. I have absolutely no regrets about doing that. This year, finally, things have started looking up for both of us. We both have good jobs, and he now earns almost twice what I do. Our material circumstances are finally improving.

For a long time, I thought perhaps financial stability was what he needed to feel better about himself, and that once life settled down, our sex life would naturally improve. But it hasn't.

There was also a period when he had thyroid issues, and we knew that could affect his sex drive. So I made allowances for that too. I waited, understood, and tried not to put pressure on him. But his recent blood tests show that his thyroid levels are now normal. And once again, I find myself running out of explanations. I am so tired of finding reasons to justify why my husband doesn't seem to want me.

I am turning 33 next year, and I feel like I am running out of time to figure out what I want from my life. I don't want to spend the rest of my marriage feeling sexually rejected. I know sex isn't everything in a marriage, but it is important to me. I want intimacy, passion, affection, and the feeling of being desired by my partner. I don't think those are unreasonable things to want.

At the same time, I am angry and conflicted when I think about leaving. I stood by him when he had very little. Now that we are finally reaching a point where life is financially comfortable, I would be walking away. I sometimes think about how unfair that feels, especially when I know that if I were on my own, I would struggle financially. I would have to start over, manage everything alone, and rebuild my life. But then I ask myself: would I really be happy staying in a financially comfortable marriage if I continued to feel sexually unwanted? And the honest answer is no.

What makes this even more difficult is that I seem to spend more time worrying about how everyone else would feel than about how I would feel. I am terrified of disappointing my parents. I worry about how devastated my husband would be, how embarrassed he might feel in front of his friends, and how difficult this would be for him. Even when I imagine leaving, my mind immediately goes to the pain it would cause everyone else. I rarely stop to think about what staying in this marriage is doing to me.

To summarise where I am in life right now: I have an okay job, almost no savings, and have gained close to 60 kg over the past six years. I am also undergoing investigations for possible PCOS/PCOD, which might explain some of my weight struggles and other symptoms. I have been trying to lose weight almost since the beginning of our marriage, but somehow I keep gaining more instead. And on top of all that, I feel sexually unfulfilled and unwanted in my own marriage.

I am scared to leave because I don't know what starting over would look like. I am scared of facing my family, society, and everyone who knows us. I am scared of hurting him. But I am also scared of staying and waking up ten years from now, having spent my thirties waiting for something that never changed.

I keep questioning myself. Am I engaging in self-sabotaging behaviour? Am I being too harsh on him? Should I give it another chance and focus on losing weight first? What if losing weight changes everything? But what if it doesn't? What if I spend another two years trying to fix my body, only to realise that the problem was never entirely about my body in the first place?

Sometimes I just want to leave everything behind and live on my own. I want to stop carrying the emotional responsibility of everyone around me and finally think about what would make me happy. But the thought of actually doing that terrifies me.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I don't know whether I am giving up on a good man over something that can potentially be worked on, or whether I am slowly abandoning myself by staying in a marriage where one of my most important emotional and physical needs has gone unmet for years.

I just want to feel wanted. I want to feel loved, desired, and alive in my marriage. And I don't know if that is something I can still have with him.

Question

I am struggling with my marriage, and I honestly don't know whether I should stay or leave. He is a genuinely good person, which makes this so much harder. If he were a bad husband or someone who treated me poorly, perhaps the decision would be easier. But he is kind, calm, and caring in many ways. The problem is that I don't feel wanted by him, particularly sexually.

We rarely have sex. In fact, we haven't had sex at all this year. If I look at the last four years, we might have been intimate in some basic way perhaps four times in total. I constantly feel like I am begging for intimacy, and I am exhausted by it. He kisses me sometimes and often tells me he loves me, but I don't feel that he genuinely desires me. I don't feel sexually wanted, pursued, or even missed in that way. I want to feel like my husband actually craves me, not like intimacy is something he occasionally does because I ask for it.

I started gaining weight during the second year of our marriage, and ever since, I've convinced myself that my weight is the reason for our lack of intimacy. I know my weight gain has been significant, and I understand that it could be a factor. But during our fourth and fifth years of marriage, I managed to lose some weight twice. I wasn't back to my old self, but I was noticeably smaller. Yet nothing changed. He still didn't initiate anything or make me feel physically desired. I keep wondering whether my weight is the problem, but I also wonder how long I can keep blaming myself for something that has gone on for so many years.

When we got married through an arranged marriage, I was quite attractive and had plenty of men interested in pursuing me. I had consciously saved myself for the person I would eventually marry. I thought I was saving that part of myself for my husband, for someone with whom I could experience that kind of intimacy and connection. And now, somehow, I am in a marriage where I feel sexually unwanted.

He is, in many ways, exactly the kind of man I thought I needed. As the eldest daughter, I have spent much of my life being responsible, looking after others, and carrying things on my shoulders. I thought I needed someone calm, kind, and stable. And he is all those things. But I am beginning to question whether being a good person and being a compatible life partner are necessarily the same thing.

There is also the history of everything we've been through together. When we got married, he had very little money and a fairly basic job. The financial situation wasn't as clear to me as I would have liked when we were going through the arranged marriage process. Then came COVID, followed by two years of studying and other financial struggles. I stood beside him through all of it. I supported him, encouraged him, and was his pillar. I have absolutely no regrets about doing that. This year, finally, things have started looking up for both of us. We both have good jobs, and he now earns almost twice what I do. Our material circumstances are finally improving.

For a long time, I thought perhaps financial stability was what he needed to feel better about himself, and that once life settled down, our sex life would naturally improve. But it hasn't.

There was also a period when he had thyroid issues, and we knew that could affect his sex drive. So I made allowances for that too. I waited, understood, and tried not to put pressure on him. But his recent blood tests show that his thyroid levels are now normal. And once again, I find myself running out of explanations. I am so tired of finding reasons to justify why my husband doesn't seem to want me.

I am turning 33 next year, and I feel like I am running out of time to figure out what I want from my life. I don't want to spend the rest of my marriage feeling sexually rejected. I know sex isn't everything in a marriage, but it is important to me. I want intimacy, passion, affection, and the feeling of being desired by my partner. I don't think those are unreasonable things to want.

At the same time, I am angry and conflicted when I think about leaving. I stood by him when he had very little. Now that we are finally reaching a point where life is financially comfortable, I would be walking away. I sometimes think about how unfair that feels, especially when I know that if I were on my own, I would struggle financially. I would have to start over, manage everything alone, and rebuild my life. But then I ask myself: would I really be happy staying in a financially comfortable marriage if I continued to feel sexually unwanted? And the honest answer is no.

What makes this even more difficult is that I seem to spend more time worrying about how everyone else would feel than about how I would feel. I am terrified of disappointing my parents. I worry about how devastated my husband would be, how embarrassed he might feel in front of his friends, and how difficult this would be for him. Even when I imagine leaving, my mind immediately goes to the pain it would cause everyone else. I rarely stop to think about what staying in this marriage is doing to me.

To summarise where I am in life right now: I have an okay job, almost no savings, and have gained close to 60 kg over the past six years. I am also undergoing investigations for possible PCOS/PCOD, which might explain some of my weight struggles and other symptoms. I have been trying to lose weight almost since the beginning of our marriage, but somehow I keep gaining more instead. And on top of all that, I feel sexually unfulfilled and unwanted in my own marriage.

I am scared to leave because I don't know what starting over would look like. I am scared of facing my family, society, and everyone who knows us. I am scared of hurting him. But I am also scared of staying and waking up ten years from now, having spent my thirties waiting for something that never changed.

I keep questioning myself. Am I engaging in self-sabotaging behaviour? Am I being too harsh on him? Should I give it another chance and focus on losing weight first? What if losing weight changes everything? But what if it doesn't? What if I spend another two years trying to fix my body, only to realise that the problem was never entirely about my body in the first place?

Sometimes I just want to leave everything behind and live on my own. I want to stop carrying the emotional responsibility of everyone around me and finally think about what would make me happy. But the thought of actually doing that terrifies me.

I genuinely don't know what to do. I don't know whether I am giving up on a good man over something that can potentially be worked on, or whether I am slowly abandoning myself by staying in a marriage where one of my most important emotional and physical needs has gone unmet for years.

I just want to feel wanted. I want to feel loved, desired, and alive in my marriage. And I don't know if that is something I can still have with him.

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Sorry i couldn't read the entire story and i dont think i am old enough to answer these questions of yours but honestly speaking i think you are both adults and ya this is a big problem but i will suggest you before taking any big decisions just try and talk things with him properly not once twice many times just try and talk a mature conversation with someone can fix things just try and talk to him sometimes little misunderstanding will make you regret life in long run