I am a 22 year old from India, my last 4 years have revolved around me preparing for NEET , i almost got in everytime. But this year I have been through a lot of downs with the exam getting cancelled and my own parents behaving like they never saw my hardwork. I haven't gone to a college and they tried to arrange my marriage. Past 2 months have been harsher than hell and in all the struggle I chose the familiar one again, preparing for that same exam for one last time. Except i have no idea how would I get through. My relationship with my mom has worsen and she was the only one person I had very bad attachment to. But the things I have been through recently have only made me bitter and no matter how much I tried communicating, she did not listen. We are not talking since 2 months and this along with many other things like studying again for the same damn thing I almost cleared for the 4th time, isolated in a place full of aspirants, and no family to call back to...this all is making me lose my mind. I keep sleeping all day and live my day in dreams which is unhealthy i know. I can't even get professional help since I don't have money for it. I am so directionless, I did not even want to be doctor. But every path has been blocked and there's nothing I can do. The exam is in 6 months and I don't want to face the same hell next year. I wish I didn't comply so easily with my mother's choices of my career, and I wish I wasn't so pathetic. How do I heal, I keep crying out of the blue, stopping mid sentences in chats w my friends and nobody around me really get the depth of the issue. I have become so pessimistic that I can't even imagine a future where I am happy after all this. I have always been the parentified kid but now I feel like a rebel teenager yet I am old and I really want independence but I have no way to earn. I did not even date anybody for the sake of keeping my parents happy and now I have become this socially awkward and unnaturally shy person that can't even go out alone.

Question

I am a 22 year old from India, my last 4 years have revolved around me preparing for NEET , i almost got in everytime. But this year I have been through a lot of downs with the exam getting cancelled and my own parents behaving like they never saw my hardwork. I haven't gone to a college and they tried to arrange my marriage. Past 2 months have been harsher than hell and in all the struggle I chose the familiar one again, preparing for that same exam for one last time. Except i have no idea how would I get through. My relationship with my mom has worsen and she was the only one person I had very bad attachment to. But the things I have been through recently have only made me bitter and no matter how much I tried communicating, she did not listen. We are not talking since 2 months and this along with many other things like studying again for the same damn thing I almost cleared for the 4th time, isolated in a place full of aspirants, and no family to call back to...this all is making me lose my mind. I keep sleeping all day and live my day in dreams which is unhealthy i know. I can't even get professional help since I don't have money for it. I am so directionless, I did not even want to be doctor. But every path has been blocked and there's nothing I can do.  The exam is in 6 months and I don't want to face the same hell next year. I wish I didn't comply so easily with my mother's choices of my career, and I wish I wasn't so pathetic. How do I heal, I keep crying out of the blue, stopping mid sentences in chats w my friends and nobody around me really get the depth of the issue. I have become so pessimistic that I can't even imagine a future where I am happy after all this. I have always been the parentified kid but now I feel like a rebel teenager yet I am old and I really want independence but I have no way to earn. I did not even date anybody for the sake of keeping my parents happy and now I have become this socially awkward and unnaturally shy person that can't even go out alone.

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Let me give you a virtual hug. It's gonna be alright,I'm also middle in somewhat similar situation and you're not old,you have so much time evn though it doesn't feels like it. You should try online courses or content creation which doesn't involves showing face. And don't forget to live your life to fullest and love yourself, it might disappoint others but it's worth it. Don't be always serious,slowly build confidence even though it'll such at first but trust me everything would work out and don't be hard on yourself go enjoy something.  Love you mwahh