I am 23 and I love (and date) a man who's twice my age. Actually, I have loved men who are twice my age ever since I really wasn't allowed to 'love' at all. They hurt me and built me up. They have given me guidance, advice and tore down my world at the same time. They have manipulated me and given me the tools not to be manipulated all at once. Older men are truly the biggest dichotomy of my life.

I think, that I will never be able to have a normal relationship and that brings me immense pain. I truly wish that I could just live a normal life. A few weeks ago I joined a waiting list for assisted dying. My body is fit and all, but I am tired and mentally ill. No one knows, not even my closest friend.

Not quite sure what I want from this... There's not even really a question.
But I'm thankful for butterflies and my cats, the smell of freshly baked pastry and rain, snowflakes. Squirrels are pretty cool too. I like bows and the taste of toothpaste. Swimming is my favourite thing to do. I love the sun and feeling the warmth on my skin. I've been on a good, academic career path so far and everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and how they're impressed and that I'm doing well.
Little do they know.. It's almost a bit funny, actually.

After roughly ten years of therapy, I am still not over it.
I wish they would've never touched me.
I wish I could've stayed a little girl until nature decided that it was time to grow up. Not until a man did so.

Anywayyy
What should I write in the last letter to my mom?
And does anyone know how I can keep my word and powerpoint program from closing automatically when I haven't been inside the application for a few minutes??

Question

I am 23 and I love (and date) a man who's twice my age. Actually, I have loved men who are twice my age ever since I really wasn't allowed to 'love' at all. They hurt me and built me up. They have given me guidance, advice and tore down my world at the same time. They have manipulated me and given me the tools not to be manipulated all at once. Older men are truly the biggest dichotomy of my life.

I think, that I will never be able to have a normal relationship and that brings me immense pain. I truly wish that I could just live a normal life. A few weeks ago I joined a waiting list for assisted dying. My body is fit and all, but I am tired and mentally ill. No one knows, not even my closest friend.

Not quite sure what I want from this... There's not even really a question. 
But I'm thankful for butterflies and my cats, the smell of freshly baked pastry and rain, snowflakes. Squirrels are pretty cool too. I like bows and the taste of toothpaste. Swimming is my favourite thing to do. I love the sun and feeling the warmth on my skin. I've been on a good, academic career path so far and everyone keeps telling me how strong I am and how they're impressed and that I'm doing well. 
Little do they know.. It's almost a bit funny, actually.

After roughly ten years of therapy, I am still not over it. 
I wish they would've never touched me. 
I wish I could've stayed a little girl until nature decided that it was time to grow up. Not until a man did so.

Anywayyy
What should I write in the last letter to my mom? 
And does anyone know how I can keep my word and powerpoint program from closing automatically when I haven't been inside the application for a few minutes??

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Please don't. life is so much more. you have so many good things to experience. please for the love of GOD call 988 . you are loved and you are worth more than anything . you are unique and this is the only chance you get at life. live it to your fullest and don't end it early.