I am 14 at eight grade. I don't have perfect words to describe it but, I'll try my best to explain my issue. First of all, From 2025..I wanted just to be alone. I needed space but when I got it now I don't feel good yet don't want crowd or friends.

A story I want to share is that I have a really big drama with my friendship since childhood. My first friendship was where I felt invisible, I was barely 4-5 at that time. My 2nd friendship was with a girl who accused me that I learnt her smoking. Then,, I was only 7...I stopped talking, making friends. My mom or maybe I, myself caged myself in my room. Whenever,, I try to remember a childhood it's not some vibrant memories. It's the room and walls. However.. But at school.. At fifth grade(3rd friendship) another girl start bullying me who I thought was my friend. Then she along with two or four girls and boys keep harassing me. I stopped talking to them, too. But I was 11 at that time.. I didn't know that those were bullying and harassing. And in that time, I was sick, very sick. I was in bed rest. They took the opportunity and went to headteacher saying that I am pretending to be sick so my exam shouldn't be taken or question should be changed or I should be kicked out of the school. The headteacher changed my question paper. And he agreed because one of theirs dad was a powerful person. Still.. I scored top. And my another curse begin.

Morever when I was being bullied by that group two girls be friends with me. They were good. But.. They wanted me to date a guy. But I was only 11.amd that was a really creepy. He and his friends looked at me in ways I didn't like. I hated their stares, their comments about me. But my this two friends were saying to date him and if I don't date they will suicide. They used to tell me fake stories about that boy that he likes me sooo much. But.. I didn't date, I didn't even hear his voice. And I discovered I wasn't even the side chick. It's just some ugly tricks.I broke that friendship.

By the way,,,,From that group which was bullying me had a fight themselves. And two girls from them start talking to me and we became friends. And along with them the atmosphere start cooling down. The whole group became my friends.. I gave them a 2nd chance and it became my fourt friendship. But... I noticed exclusion, envy when I do something good, they didn't needed me. One specific story I want to share,,,, once there's a birthday party. Yes one of them. I was invited. And everyone had great meal and they didn't give me food saying that there are no dishes. However.. Then they gave food in an old dish different from everyone. And the group muttered "look someone eating with something which is filthy and dirty, ewwww". I was sooooo stupid I didn't get it's a humiliation. 😔

So.... I broke the friendship and now, at present they are bullying me like crazy. My social anxiety, childhood trauma, disassociate amnesia all is crushing together. I am taking sleeping pills.I took professional help but it's the exam time. And to my mom my distress is a drama. She's not taking me to the therapist twice. Actually.. My parents were abusive. Mom is someone.. I am lucky to have but... It's... I don't want to say. My dad is mentally ill. He acts out. Still he loves me. But the wounds are not something I can ignore.

Above all.... I personally don't care or tired of these all. I want peace. I want my self back. I was bright, at least genuine. And... I am severely sick in this moment. My mom thinks its drama and says its all for my mobile. But... I can't even stand sometimes. I am really weak. I have a rush of anxiety every second, a ache in my heart, don't feel happiness anymore, I can't remember anything, I can't focus, I am not also doing good at my academics. Though I am still at top position but just notice how messy my writting is in this text. Because... I don't know. I lost my potential. The more I say, The more is left in my heart. I don't know what's happening. These all are confusing.

And none is taking it seriously.... Like none... However.... I have two female friends. They are great but one of them was involved in that bullying group. I also feel ashamed that after everything I still made friends.

But.. I notice how people change, how they are better without me, How their perspectives chage... I still admire my friends who are bullying me. But their whole perspective about me has changed. They saying those things what they considered mean, They are using my weakness where they hated when other used mine in past, they are hurting me where they even killed a ant because it bite me.

So.... Like I don't know.

I am not saying I am an angel. I also broke friendship by myself, I also said mean things to them, I sometimes gossip about them to my recent two female friends. Then I realize it's not me.. So I again become scilent. But it's not peaceful. They still shoot me angry, envy glares.. Still humiliate me.

But... I only want peace. 🫠

Question

I am 14 at eight grade. I don't have perfect words to describe it but, I'll try my best to explain my issue. First of all, From 2025..I wanted just to be alone. I needed space but when I got it now I don't feel good yet don't want crowd or friends.

A story I want to share is that I have a really big drama with my friendship since childhood. My first friendship was where I felt invisible, I was barely 4-5 at that time. My 2nd friendship was with a girl who accused me that I learnt her smoking. Then,, I was only 7...I stopped talking, making friends. My mom or maybe I, myself caged myself in my room. Whenever,, I try to remember a childhood it's not some vibrant memories. It's the room and walls. However.. But at school.. At fifth grade(3rd friendship) another girl start bullying me who I thought was my friend. Then she along with two or four girls and boys keep harassing me. I stopped talking to them, too. But I was 11 at that time.. I didn't know that those were bullying and harassing. And in that time, I was sick, very sick. I was in bed rest. They took the opportunity and went to headteacher saying that I am pretending to be sick so my exam shouldn't be taken or question should be changed or I should be kicked out of the school. The headteacher changed my question paper. And he agreed because one of theirs dad was a powerful person. Still.. I scored top. And my another curse begin.

Morever when I was being bullied by that group two girls be friends with me. They were good. But.. They wanted me to date a guy. But I was only 11.amd that was a really creepy. He and his friends looked at me in ways I didn't like. I hated their stares, their comments about me. But my this two friends were saying to date him and if I don't date they will suicide. They used to tell me fake stories about that boy that he likes me sooo much. But.. I didn't date, I didn't even hear his voice. And I discovered I wasn't even the side chick. It's just some ugly tricks.I broke that friendship.

By the way,,,,From that group which was bullying me had a fight themselves. And two girls from them start talking to me and we became friends. And along with them the atmosphere start cooling down. The whole group became my friends.. I gave them a 2nd chance and it became my fourt friendship. But... I noticed exclusion, envy when I do something good, they didn't needed me. One specific story I want to share,,,, once there's a birthday party. Yes one of them. I was invited. And everyone had great meal and they didn't give me food saying that there are no dishes. However.. Then they gave food in an old dish different from everyone. And the group muttered "look someone eating with something which is filthy and dirty, ewwww". I was sooooo stupid I didn't get it's a humiliation. 😔

So.... I broke the friendship and now, at present they are bullying me like crazy. My social anxiety, childhood trauma, disassociate amnesia all is crushing together. I am taking sleeping pills.I took professional help but it's the exam time. And to my mom my distress is a drama. She's not taking me to the therapist twice. Actually.. My parents were abusive. Mom is someone.. I am lucky to have but... It's... I don't want to say. My dad is mentally ill. He acts out. Still he loves me. But the wounds are not something I can ignore.

Above all.... I personally don't care or tired of these all. I want peace. I want my self back. I was bright, at least genuine. And... I am severely sick in this moment. My mom thinks its drama and says its all for my mobile. But... I can't even stand sometimes. I am really weak. I have a rush of anxiety every second, a ache in my heart, don't feel happiness anymore, I can't remember anything, I can't focus, I am not also doing good at my academics. Though I am still at top position but just notice how messy my writting is in this text. Because... I don't know. I lost my potential. The more I say, The more is left in my heart. I don't know what's happening. These all are confusing.

And none is taking it seriously.... Like none... However.... I have two female friends. They are great but one of them was involved in that bullying group. I also feel ashamed that after everything I still made friends.

But.. I notice how people change, how they are better without me, How their perspectives chage... I still admire my friends who are bullying me. But their whole perspective about me has changed. They saying those things what they considered mean, They are using my weakness where they hated when other used mine in past, they are hurting me where they even killed a ant because it bite me.

So.... Like I don't know.

I am not saying I am an angel. I also broke friendship by myself, I also said mean things to them, I sometimes gossip about them to my recent two female friends. Then I realize it's not me.. So I again become scilent. But it's not peaceful. They still shoot me angry, envy glares.. Still humiliate me.

But... I only want peace. 🫠

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

I aint reading allat its all in your head