“Hi. So it's been a long time that I have talked to you about so many things. So I have to confess something, okay? Like it's 3 a.m in the morning, and, like, I don't know who to talk, but I just want to talk to someone. So actually, I have been a mess. Like I am a mess, and I am so much deep into a mess that you cannot even imagine what kind of situation I am into. Like I cannot even, like, imagine how did I end up here. Maybe it's because of my phone or something. I don't know. I have no idea, but I don't know how to, like, get out of it. So in eleventh, okay? I chose PCM, like physics, chemistry, maths, and then I chose not to take any coaching and just study at home with, like, Physics Wala. And I think that was the first mistake, and I regret that for a long time. And I feel like I should not have done that, because from that moment, my addiction to mobile has increased to this level that I have almost 19-20 hours screen time, even after three years later. Okay, so I have this habit of imagining things while listening to song, and it's so deep. Like I cannot even imagine now how to get out of it, and I don't even want to. Like now also that I am talking to you, it's, like, a lot of efforts. I thought about it a lot of times, but I did not do it. I did not try it. So, like I imagine, I listen to music, I imagine music in my head, and, like, I keep on imagining scenarios which is favorable to me, in which I am the best. I am always in my comfort zone. I cannot get out of my comfort zone. So in eleventh, my entire eleventh is wasted. I have not studied a single thing, like not studied a single fucking thing in eleventh. And then came twelfth. I have studied twelfth little bit, little little, because I have to, like, give boards, and I did give boards, and it went so bad. Like you cannot even imagine what kind of thing I did, and I could not even, like, get marks up to 75 percent. And see, I have, like, lied a lot of times to everybody, like my friends and everyone, that I'm trying, but I'm not, because I am very much comfortable in my sadness and my anxiety and everything. I find solace in that, okay? So twelfth also went by, like that only, excuses and excuses. Then came my drop year. So I am right now in Kota. I, like, I came here in May, and then from there, like from July to August, I have been going to coaching regularly, but from September, October, and November, I did not go to coaching a single fucking day, and I have been lying to my mother that yes, I am going, and the message that are coming from the coaching is lying, like is not true. Like I am going to coaching, and I am not going, and I am not even studying at home. I am not doing anything all day. It's like October end, and I only have two months left for JEE Mains, session one, and my entire syllabus is untouched. Like I have only covered few chapters, few little chapters, and know some of the topics, but other than that, I am, like, hell. Like I am at hell point, and I seriously want to die, because, see, I'm not even kidding right now, because my condition is worse, okay? And I cannot understand how will I get out of this condition, because it is not because of any environment issue. I have been provided with all the things. I am in the best coaching. I am in Kota. I have money. I have my parents' support, everything. But that is what is making me anxious, because I have everything, still I am not able to do anything. Like I feel like a failure. Okay, this is it. And my communication skills are very bad, because I am always in my room. Like I don't even like to eat food. Like sometimes I starve myself all day. And one more thing that I have developed through two months, that I have been eating junk a lot. Every, for example, I bought something today, and then, and I finish that in just two days, and then next day I again, like buy something of 200 rupees or 150 rupees. This is why I use my entire pocket money, and my mother, father don't know about it, and they are thinking that I only use money for my food intake, which I am not. I am only eating junk. I am only eating junk, junk, junk, and I am always in my room. My communication skills are bad. I think I have developed dyslexia or something, because sometimes I feel like I cannot even do simple calculation right now, because my mind has gotten slower. I cannot afford any psychiatrist or psychologist, therapist, because I don't have money. I cannot even contact my parents about these all things, because they will think that I am crazy, and then they will think that I have no future, which I genuinely don't have, what I feel like. But I don't want to see my parents disappointed face. So it's like I am in hell, okay? My life is hell right now. My entire room is always filled, is always like, you know, mess. Always. Like my life, my entire room is a mess. Everywhere there is, like, food, food scraps, like, you know, parathas and all. They have got fungus in them, like everything is so unclean, so untidy. My entire face is so bad because of eating junks. My face has gotten so dark, my hair fall is getting bad and bad. I don't know where to start. I don't know how to do it. And I don't fucking know that how do I, like, tell my parents that why did my January attempt got so bad? I am not even attending class. I don't know what to do. I don't want to attend the class. Even if I attend the class right now, I know that I won't be able to understand anything. In fact, my teachers will tell me that why was I not coming, and I know that I don't have any answer for that, because I am always in my room. I am not giving any test, I am not doing anything. It's like a mess. And I am not able to understand where to stand. I am not able to stand. My physical fitness, my physical health is bad. My mental health is bad. Everything is bad. I have no freaking clue what should I do, because sometimes I feel like if I should improve my physical health, due to which my mental health will become good, and then my studies will become good. But, like, I feel like I have already, like, wasted my lot of time. If I don't give studies much time, my preparation will be hell. But I am not able to study. I am seriously not able to study. I seriously cannot get myself out of my bed to make myself study. I cannot do that. Like, it's, I don't know, I physically cannot. It's like my mind has stopped wanting to live. My body has stopped wanting to live. I don't know what should I do. I am freaking crazy. I am going crazy.”
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Someone answered with kindness...
Are you telling my story ?? 😭
It felt like you talked about me.
Anxiety and feelings like failure , it's okay bro. It's not the worst situation in your life. I know that you are taking stress and blaming yourself for this but it's not your fault. It's depression. You not being able to move from your bed is fucking real . I stayed in that mess for 6 months .
Sadly I attemoted suicide that time . I broke down .
So I will tell you my experience in detail . I fucking felt same way . Like every emotion is same . After suicide i believed that I had died. I just forgot every fucking memory. Like everything. I just remembered basic info like who is my family etc. Just this .
I got my memory back after giving that exam . I came back home . Those 8 months were the literal hell of my life . I got complx ptsd. I remembered all the trauma of my childhood. I literally wasn't able to eat , drink or sleep . I stayed like that for 3 months. I smelt like I was rotting .
After 1 year , I realised that all this happened because my mind was under adverse stress , trauma . That is why when I left home . I just fell into this depression .
I took 2 years to come out of that . I am not healed. I still can't sleep properly. I have to force myself to eat sometimes. I still feel suicidial. It's just okay. I fake my emotions everyday. I still can't show my real emotions.
I am still in pain. It just makes me feel worst about myself. But still I am okay with this. I am trying to come out of this .
Hope you stay strong and continue believing in yourself. This exam is important but physical and mental health is more important. Go slow on yourself.
Think of yourself as someone you love most is in this situation . Then you can behave accordingly. .just remember you are a child. You can't be too hard on yourself. Remember to love yourself