Hey hope whoever reading this are doing good in their life :) so i don't where to start and what to say because idk maybe I'll sound stupid idk. I just feel nothing is good in my life idk whether I'm in depression or what because I don't want to do anything just be in my bed hidden from everyone, nowadays I get suicidal thoughts as well like I don't want to die but still I think about it. I'm in college right now in my last year away from my hometown and it was my decision i did every possible thing to get a college by cracking exam all by my own,many people were against it said it's a bad decision but I didn't listen to anyone. But now I really feel it really was a bad decision because nothing is good since I have came here infact things are more worse I have lost my confidence my academic potential I used to be a topper but now I'm below average even worse than that I don't have any confidence to even step out of my room,it's been three years but there is not even one friend of mine leave friend but nobody even talks to me nobody wants to even sit with me idk what i have done so bad in the starting I was so scared to talk to people I still am maybe they thought I'm arrogant but I have told everyone about my situation whenever i interacted with them never behaved bad with anyone always talked politely whenever they asked me anything related to academics but idk why nobody wants to talk with me and i feel out of place scared inferior that's why I'm not able to talk even when i did everyone ignore me. Not their fault because who wants to talk to a boring and dumb stupid person. Neither I look good neither I have a personality and now my intelligence is also gone and I'm just a dumb person. That's why I don't like to go to college because it feels so bad to sit alone quietly and don't know what to do when whole class is enjoying together I feel like crying there is not a single person in this place with whom I can talk the only person I talk to is my mother on vc and sometimes my cousin and sometimes my one friend. I hate to be alone but maybe it's my fate maybe it's my curse to be alone and that nobody will stay or choose me. Because of not attending college even my attendance is below criteria level and I'm scared because it's rule in my college that whoever will not maintain will not give exam and if it will happen i won't be able to get my degree and also won't be able to do Masters, nothing is good going neither my career neither my own life. It's like I have forgetten how does it feel to be happy because I don't remember last time when I was happy like genuinely happy,the only thing I know to feel is stress anxiety panic attack overthinking and crying the whole time in my bed. I want to be someone's friend to go outside like other enjoy my life but I can't because neither I have people neither i have money and now my career is also in the danger idk what to do. Got connected to a online friend idk whether to call friend or normal bond because maybe that person never consider me even friend but here I am considering that person much more idk about love but I feel a very different connection which i never felt with anyone I mean if that person is not in your life and you are crying like hell because of that to the point your eyes are swollen and you feel empty without that person then definitely its not mere friendship right? I don't know what is this but I just know that person was my comfort amidst all the choas i just wanted that person to be in my life not as any romantic connection or anything but just we two talking and whatever we used to share but now that person is also not in my life (and i got the clear check that what meant evrything to me meant nothing to that person like it was just a normal thing for them) and seeing them treating other the way I treat them and wanted to be treated the same hurts even more. Idk what i have written just please pardon me I have written whatever came in my mind and ik even the grammar is shitt because i literally typed without even thinking and trying to make sensible paragraphs.....

Question

Hey hope whoever reading this are doing good in their life :) so i don't where to start and what to say because idk maybe I'll sound stupid idk. I just feel nothing is good in my life idk whether I'm in depression or what because I don't want to do anything just be in my bed hidden from everyone, nowadays I get suicidal thoughts as well like I don't want to die but still I think about it. I'm in college right now in my last year away from my hometown and it was my decision i did every possible thing to get a college by cracking exam all by my own,many people were against it said it's a bad decision but I didn't listen to anyone. But now I really feel it really was a bad decision because nothing is good since I have came here infact things are more worse I have lost my confidence my academic potential I used to be a topper but now I'm below average even worse than that I don't have any confidence to even step out of my room,it's been three years but there is not even one friend of mine leave friend but nobody even talks to me nobody wants to even sit with me idk what i have done so bad in the starting I was so scared to talk to people I still am maybe they thought I'm arrogant but I have told everyone about my situation whenever i interacted with them never behaved bad with anyone always talked politely whenever they asked me anything related to academics but idk why nobody wants to talk with me and i feel out of place scared inferior that's why I'm not able to talk even when i did everyone ignore me. Not their fault because who wants to talk to a boring and dumb stupid person. Neither I look good neither I have a personality and now my intelligence is also gone and I'm just a dumb person. That's why I don't like to go to college because it feels so bad to sit alone quietly and don't know what to do when whole class is enjoying together I feel like crying there is not a single person in this place with whom I can talk the only person I talk to is my mother on vc and sometimes my cousin and sometimes my one friend. I hate to be alone but maybe it's my fate maybe it's my curse to be alone and that nobody will stay or choose me. Because of not attending college even my attendance is below criteria level and I'm scared because it's rule in my college that whoever will not maintain will not give exam and if it will happen i won't be able to get my degree and also won't be able to do Masters, nothing is good going neither my career neither my own life. It's like I have forgetten how does it feel to be happy because I don't remember last time when I was happy like genuinely happy,the only thing I know to feel is stress anxiety panic attack overthinking and crying the whole time in my bed. I want to be someone's friend to go outside like other enjoy my life but I can't because neither I have people neither i have money and now my career is also in the danger idk what to do. Got connected to a online friend idk whether to call friend or normal bond because maybe that person never consider me even friend but here I am considering that person much more idk about love but I feel a very different connection which i never felt with anyone I mean if that person is not in your life and  you are crying like hell because of that to the point your eyes are swollen and you feel empty without that person then definitely its not mere friendship right? I don't know what is this but I just know that person was my comfort amidst all the choas i just wanted that person to be in my life not as any romantic connection or anything but just we two talking and whatever we used to share but now that person is also not in my life (and i got the clear check that what meant  evrything to me meant nothing to that person like it was just a normal thing for them) and seeing them treating other the way I treat them and  wanted to be treated the same hurts even more. Idk what i have written just please pardon me I have written whatever came in my mind and ik even the grammar is shitt because i literally typed without even thinking and trying to make sensible paragraphs.....

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

Hi buddy i just want to say few things to you. Dont get me wrong, i will maybe sound like a character from disney movie but i really think that way. You matter. Yes u really do. Even if u dont feel like u do. See i am jus a stranger from internet but i stoped my life because in that text i see a human being full of emotions. So thank u for sharing your current situation. Maybe think about going to a specialist that will know how to help u. Just try to make small steps to feel better and eventually u might end up in whole different situation than u do now. So have a nice day (or night) and ye... i believe in you. Bye buddy