Hello. Today ended on a bad note, which is such a pity, and I wanted to get your perspective on couple life...

We’ve been together for a very long time, and my husband and I have been through many ups and downs. Because I think both of us are hypersensitive, our highs can be extremely high and our lows extremely low. Today, we started off early this morning, driving a bit far from home to go look at something I need to buy soon. After that, we had planned to go to a restaurant. Up until then, everything was going great.

Then, during lunch, my husband made the mistake of making a small remark about my T-shirt. He likes T-shirts that accentuate my figure, especially when it’s just the two of us. Well, I took it the wrong way. It’s not the first time this kind of conversation has soured. In the moment, I didn’t say much—I was even rather nice about it—and he didn't push it too far because he knows my boundaries and knows not to cross them. But once we left the restaurant, I reproached him a bit for having attacked me over my T-shirt.

He felt that my reaction was excessive, and as a result, he didn’t feel like going shopping with me anymore, feeling that he can’t make the slightest remark to me without having to walk on eggshells. It’s funny because I actually made that exact same remark to him a while ago, since he can be very sensitive too! Anyway, I didn’t recognize the man who had been so playful with me this morning. Earlier in the afternoon, I was in a quite flirtatious mood myself (I had even suggested we go to a spa later in the evening).

So, much to my regret, we took the road back home. I felt completely terrible during the entire drive, and when I get like that, I tend to harp on things and badger the other person. I realize now that for the two-hour drive, I didn't stop telling him everything that was wrong. On his side, he told me that he didn't get a word in edgewise, and that he isn't allowed to make a single little remark without it triggering an explosion from me.

Once we got home, I calmed down, and later I went to join him in the garden to help him with some DIY project. At one point I started crying because it all felt so overwhelming, and he told me I was fragile. It's true—I think that our fragility can damage our relationship as a couple. When things aren't going well, I tend to talk to my partner about breaking up. I think he just wanted to add a little bit of seduction between us, probably regarding the neckline thing; I know this little flirt of mine. In any case, it was hard to live through.

Things are a bit better now, but I'm wondering if I’m shooting myself in the foot, and if I should have just let his little remark slide and enjoyed a nice afternoon with him instead. What do you think? Right now, we are both bruised, each in our own corner. I talk to him about apologizing because he isn't very verbal, but for him, apologies don't mean much compared to actions. Ultimately, I feel like we overthink things so much and ruin our own lives over very little. I tell myself that all of this could have been different. What are your thoughts?

I had read somewhere that your partner is not your doctor or your therapist, and it's true that sometimes my husband can be very harsh with his words toward me. He might even ask me if I have a psychological problem because I repeat things in loops and can't let go when I'm shaken up by something. I feel like I can't calm myself down anymore, and indeed, for two hours I can drive him crazy and say things until, of course, he reacts and sometimes goes very far.

That's why today I want to change all of this, because I tell myself that after all, he is reliable, good at fixing things, and a great family man—why ruin it all? I would love so much to get back the couple we were when we were younger: more complicit, more cuddly. At the beginning of our relationship, I was distant, quite proud, and I didn't cry in front of him. Now, I cry in front of him when I'm not doing well, and I know that's not a good thing to do. I feel like I'm giving a very bad image of myself to my husband, and I hate it when I'm like that.

Question

Hello. Today ended on a bad note, which is such a pity, and I wanted to get your perspective on couple life...

We’ve been together for a very long time, and my husband and I have been through many ups and downs. Because I think both of us are hypersensitive, our highs can be extremely high and our lows extremely low. Today, we started off early this morning, driving a bit far from home to go look at something I need to buy soon. After that, we had planned to go to a restaurant. Up until then, everything was going great.

Then, during lunch, my husband made the mistake of making a small remark about my T-shirt. He likes T-shirts that accentuate my figure, especially when it’s just the two of us. Well, I took it the wrong way. It’s not the first time this kind of conversation has soured. In the moment, I didn’t say much—I was even rather nice about it—and he didn't push it too far because he knows my boundaries and knows not to cross them. But once we left the restaurant, I reproached him a bit for having attacked me over my T-shirt.

He felt that my reaction was excessive, and as a result, he didn’t feel like going shopping with me anymore, feeling that he can’t make the slightest remark to me without having to walk on eggshells. It’s funny because I actually made that exact same remark to him a while ago, since he can be very sensitive too! Anyway, I didn’t recognize the man who had been so playful with me this morning. Earlier in the afternoon, I was in a quite flirtatious mood myself (I had even suggested we go to a spa later in the evening).

So, much to my regret, we took the road back home. I felt completely terrible during the entire drive, and when I get like that, I tend to harp on things and badger the other person. I realize now that for the two-hour drive, I didn't stop telling him everything that was wrong. On his side, he told me that he didn't get a word in edgewise, and that he isn't allowed to make a single little remark without it triggering an explosion from me.

Once we got home, I calmed down, and later I went to join him in the garden to help him with some DIY project. At one point I started crying because it all felt so overwhelming, and he told me I was fragile. It's true—I think that our fragility can damage our relationship as a couple. When things aren't going well, I tend to talk to my partner about breaking up. I think he just wanted to add a little bit of seduction between us, probably regarding the neckline thing; I know this little flirt of mine. In any case, it was hard to live through.

Things are a bit better now, but I'm wondering if I’m shooting myself in the foot, and if I should have just let his little remark slide and enjoyed a nice afternoon with him instead. What do you think? Right now, we are both bruised, each in our own corner. I talk to him about apologizing because he isn't very verbal, but for him, apologies don't mean much compared to actions. Ultimately, I feel like we overthink things so much and ruin our own lives over very little. I tell myself that all of this could have been different. What are your thoughts?

I had read somewhere that your partner is not your doctor or your therapist, and it's true that sometimes my husband can be very harsh with his words toward me. He might even ask me if I have a psychological problem because I repeat things in loops and can't let go when I'm shaken up by something. I feel like I can't calm myself down anymore, and indeed, for two hours I can drive him crazy and say things until, of course, he reacts and sometimes goes very far.

That's why today I want to change all of this, because I tell myself that after all, he is reliable, good at fixing things, and a great family man—why ruin it all? I would love so much to get back the couple we were when we were younger: more complicit, more cuddly. At the beginning of our relationship, I was distant, quite proud, and I didn't cry in front of him. Now, I cry in front of him when I'm not doing well, and I know that's not a good thing to do. I feel like I'm giving a very bad image of myself to my husband, and I hate it when I'm like that.

Anonymous Practitioner · Accepted Answer

I think "attacked" is a strong word for a comment. You should have probably calmed down without heading home so you could still have the afternoon, maybe try looking into comfort items to help when youre not in your house. It's a little toxic and definetely unhelpful to mimic an insult back at someone. I think youre sensitive and you need a partner who works well with sensitive people. not everyone needs that kind of partner but people have different needs. I think you could work through, possibly with couples therapy, how he handles you being sensitive. You saying you want you leave him and not specifically will make your relationship feel unsteady, but this shouldn't happen with just emotional breakdowns. Crying in front of loved ones should not make you feel like a bad person, ever. If the relationship isn't working out and won't work out, it's not good to continue a bad relationship. I know you've spent a lot of good times together but that doesn't seem to mean there'll ever be more good times, so find someone who works for you. I wish you two the best of luck trying to handle emotions together.